It seems like the pumpkins are still on the porch and there’s still Halloween candy in the bowl and the Christmas decorations are hitting the stores. The great machinery of consumerism can make it hard to enjoy one holiday before pressures to begin planning for another holiday. This is most palpable between Halloween and New Year’s Day. The Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Winter Solstice, Kwanza, Christmas, New Year’s Eve marathon stretch is some people’s delight and other’s dread. Even for those that delight in this time of year, it can be a lot! A lot of planning, a lot of buying, a lot of cooking and baking, a lot of hosting, a lot of socializing….a lot. For some, there’s not enough of the “a lot” that the media portrays and then the social comparisions of it all can leave some feeling lonely and left out. How to thread the needle and enjoy the season? Here are some ideas for coping with holiday stress.
Start with your values
What gives you meaning and purpose? What is important to you? Is it relationships? Is it communing with nature? Is it your faith and religious practices? Is it connecting with your community? Is it the food? Is it traditions that have meaning and bring comfort? The answer to these questions directs you toward what to prioritize.
Make time for what matters most first
Since your time and your money are limited resources, prioritize both of these valuable resources for what means the most to you. It is not realistic to think you have an unlimited supply of either of these precious resources, so make decisions accordingly. What experiences resonate most with your values and with your heart? Focus on these things.
Put your values and priorities into action
Get out a calendar and make a budget. Some people budget and save for holiday gifts all year long. Some people buy presents all throughout the year to take the pressure off of the holiday season. Hosting gatherings can also be costly and throw off your budget. Planning and budgeting early can help you avoid stressing out last minute or the dread of the January credit card statement. Set aside time in your calendar to prep and plan for the events most important to you. That could be time to shop, bake, prepare the home for a party or guests, write and mail cards, wrap presents, etc. No plan for how you spend your time can lead to being reactive and last minute and that can spell stress. No plan for how and how much of your money you spend can do the same.
If you’re grieving or feeilng alone
There’s nothing like media around the holidays to increase feelings of FOMO from gathering and joy if you are grieving the loss of someone or something. People who are celebrating their first holiday without a loved one or following a divorce or those without close family or friend connections nearby can feel especially alone and not like celebrating. While it is unrealistic to immediately create community or feel in the mood to celebrate there are things you can do. The first and most important step is to be gentle with yourself and take care of whatever feelings you are having during this time. You can also limit your exposure to media images of perfect holidays with perfect family that just create more feelings of loneliness and sadness about your holiday not matching the “perfect image.” Get support, including therapy, to help you through this difficult season. Also look to your values and consider what is important to you about the season and focus on that. Consider what you need during this season and find people and things to meet the needs. Ground yourself with traditions that bring you comfort. You can also create some new traditions that honor a loved one, a new chapter in your life, and your feelings this year.
Eliminate what doesn’t add enough value
Eliminate what provides diminishing returns…. whether that’s the number of side dishes on the Thanksgiving table, the number of appetizers at your party, the depth of your cleaning, the number of presents given, or the cost of the presents given. More isn’t always better. Sometimes, at a certain point, more is just more. You don’t have to be all things and do all things for all people. As important as figuring out what matters most to you, it is also important to figure out what doesn’t add much value and be willing to let that go. To that end, I suggest for each event or line item, cut one thing as a way of doing less.
Delegate
If you are the maker of all the merry, then consider yourself the general contractor. Your job is not to do all the work on the ground. Your job is to pick people to do the jobs, to schedule the jobs, to make sure the jobs are done well and delivered on time, and to supervise and coordinate so it all comes together. If you’re not celebrating alone, then don’t do it all alone. Accept and ask for the help you need.
Overfunctioning and overdoing is the enemy of joy
Now add the joy
Overfunctioning and overdoing is the enemy of joy. Joy requires room to breath and an absence of resentment. Circle back to your values for the “why” that you are doing what you’re doing during the holidays. The “why” often involves connecting with what is important to you. That connection requires your presence, focus, and energy. To have that, you can’t work yourself into the ground or be full of worry about spending too much, doing too much, trying to please too many. Joy requires you to have something left in your tank to be open to the goodness of the moments you worked so hard to create. That means that you have to also prioritize some time for yourself. Consider what replenishes you when you feel drained. Consider what soothes you when you are sad. Make sure you put time on your calender for those things to keep you going through this marathon season.
In the end, the memories made are usually not about perfection and usually not about the material things. The memories will be about the connections, the warm feelings, the humorous things that did not go according to plan….the imperfections and the human-ness.
I hope you find meaning and joy, support, and some peace during the season!
