January is sometimes referred to as “divorce month” because many couples wait until after the holidays to either decide to divorce or they have decided to separate and are waiting until after the holidays to talk to their children. Understandably, parents have a lot of heavy feelings about talking to their children about getting divorced and becoming a two home family. As a parent, you naturally want to protect your child from feeling pain and yet you know that sitting the childlren down to give them this news will cause them pain. Most parents that I meet with are nervous about the conversation, worried about how their children will take the news and cope thereafter, and want to do their best by their children. Parents have a lot of questions about how to handle this delicate and important conversation. So here are some general guidelines and tips on how to talk to your kids about divorce.
When to have the divorce talk
Parents wonder about the timing for the divorce conversation. Since children understand time differently at different ages, a general rule of thumb I offer from Benjamin Garber, PhD. (from his book Keeping Kids Out of the Middle) is 2 X a child’s age is the number of days in advance of a noticeable change that will happen in the household is a good guideline for when to talk to a child about parents’ separation. With multiple children, you find a middle time between their ages. It is generally advisable to tell all children at the same time, so that they hear the same message. Of course, if you have a 16 year old and a 3 year old, you may share more information and sooner with your 16 year old and then later share information with both of them more tailored to your 3 year old. A noticeable household change is often when a parent will be moving out of the family home but could also be a noticeable change such as a parent moving into a different part of the home. Children need enough time to process the upcoming change before it happens, but not so much that they are confused by hearing this big news and then anticipating the change and nothing happens for what in their mind feels like “a long time”.
Where to have the divorce talk
Consider a comfortable place to talk at home, but that is not a special place for the child (not their bedrooms or a child play area). In this way, children won’t feel awkward about their emotional reactions if they were in a public place and also, they can then retreat to a place in the home that they are comfortable in and familiar with to process further after the talk.
How to have the divorce talk
I recommend parents talk to children together. This talk will be your child’s first experience of how you intend to handle the divorce as their parents. It is reassuring for children to see that even as their parents intend to separate, their parents still come together when it comes to parenting them. This requires parents to coordinate in advance regarding what specific information they intend to share with their children. This also allows parents to be consistent in the narrative about their family’s divorce story. What a gift for children to hear the same and consitent message from both of their parents. Right from the beginning, you are demonstrating a commitment to keep your children at the center of your considerations and out of the middle of your conflicts.
Keep your conversation brief, clear and focused. You have news to share, share the news, give them an age appropriate, honest, but with reasonable boundaries “why” this is happening, notice their feelings and validate them, reassure them that you will help them with this transition, share any specifics that will help your children such as what will be changing and what will stay the same. You can also reassure them that this is an adult decision that affects the children but is not about them.
Parents tend to have the most questions about how to come up with a “why” that is honest, age appropriate and with boundaries. The goal is to present information that helps them make sense of this transition but does not create a “good guy” and “bad guy” or blame a parent. Children can’t possibly and should not need to understand the complexities of an intimate relationship. Parents don’t typically share the inner workings and details of their marriage with their children while married and deciding to divorce is not the time to start. A few suggestions include “we were unable to live well together married” or “were unable to resolve our differences” and so decided to focus on being parents from two separate homes.
Parents also wonder what to do if they get emotional and if it’s okay to show emotion. Some emotion is understandable and can validate for children their own emotional experience. If you find yourself getting emotional, what is important for your children is that you maintain personal control. Otherwise, your emotions may be scary or distracting to your children’s experience of this news. Focus on your children and their needs and reassure them you can take care of yourself and help support them.
Taking these steps can help you feel confident that you are handling this important conversation well and focusing on your children’s needs.
Other Resources: The Talk
The Quick Guide to Co-Parenting After Divorce
Family Transition Consultation if you have unique or specific complications in your family situation that you want to discuss in a consultation
