Based upon research done by William J. Doherty as referenced in his book with Steven M. Harris, approximately 30% of couples in couples counseling have a “mixed agenda”; meaning one person is motivated to work on the relationship while the other person is ambivalent, not motivated, or questioning the relationship. In such situations, the outcomes for couples counseling are poor. On the divorce side, professionals find that in about 30% of couples seeking divorce, one spouse has an interest in reconciliation. In some cases, both spouses have an interest in reconciliation. In such cases, couples are not ready for couples counseling or divorce. Thankfully, there is a solution for ambivalent and unsure couples–discernment counseling. What is discernment counseling? It is a specific counseling service that helps ambivalent couples make a confident decision about the relationship. It was developed by William J. Doherty and Steven M. Harris and described in their book Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce.
Understanding discernment counseling
Discernment counseling is a brief and structured counseling approach for couples to examine the relationship and themselves in a guided way in order to feel more confident about a decision and path forward for the relationship.
The three paths forward are:
- To commit to work on the relationship for a specified period of time (often around 6 months) and then re-evaluate
- To separate / divorce
- To maintain the status quo and not make a change.
In “mixed agenda” couples, there is often one member of the couple that is “leaning out” and is not committed to doing the hard work on the marriage and one member of the couple is “leaning in” and is anxious to stay married and work on the relationship. The counseling speaks to each of these individuals and their needs in a structured and guided way. Discernment counseling takes clients through a series of questions that examine the relationship, the patterns, and each person’s contributions to the patterns. It also examines what has or has not been tried to work on the relationship and what might motivate each person to work on the relationship. This exploration is done jointly and individually. Ideally, each person gains insights about themselves, each other, and their relationship that helps them be more confident in a decision about next steps.
A relationship ending is a highly stressful process. It impacts all connected to it and takes a financial and emotional toll. Sometimes, ending a relationship is the best decision. There are other times in which a relationship could be saved, with the appropriate support. For these couples, the opportunity to fully examine their relationship, gain insights about themselves, and consider the possibilities for reconciliation is a helpful step before jumping to divorce in the midst of the deep pain, frustrations, and disappointments of relationship dissatisfaction. Committed relationship partners deserve the chance to fully examine the relationship and their options so that they can feel confident in their decision.
Couples, therapists, and divorce professionals can consider discernment counseling as an option when their clients present with doubts, ambivalence, uncertainty or stuckness about their relationship and/or are not fully ready to divorce and/or may be open to reconciliation.
For more information about discernment counseling go to https://discernmentcounseling.com/about/
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