Skilled communication, ideally, is a lifelong journey of practice and self improvement. Most of us would admit that there are circumstances in which we could do better. How we communicate is so very important to our relationships at work and at home. I offer three key components on which to focus for your efforts to communicate better.

  1. Manage your emotions. Conversations rarely go well when you are emotionally triggered and highly upset. The first step in any effective communication is having your emotions in check so that they are not driving what you say. You want to be calm and thoughtful, responsive rather than reactive. That requires that you first address the fight-flight part of your brain so that you’re calm enough to use your thinking brain. This is easier said than done. First, you need to be aware that you’re highly emotional. Check your heartbeat, is your heart pounding? Check your muscles, are you clenching? Practice all of your self soothing skills. My favorite suggestion is simple: pause and breath. Take your time before you talk. If you still can’t calm down enough, suggest having the conversation at another time and offer a specific time to return to the conversation. A good conversation requires that you feel safe enough to be open, curious about the other person, empathic, and clear. All of this requires safety and calm. Good emotion management is empowering.
  2. Improve your listening skills. Listening is a communication superpower. It is essential to the connection and intimacy that builds, sustains, and grows healthy relationships. Listening is a superpower because it can de-escalate conflicts, heal misunderstandings, and help understand differences. It is what most of us deeply want from others, to be heard, seen, and understood. Building your listening skills will give you amazing interpersonal power and relationship effectiveness. Here are some components to skilled listening: Face the person who is talking. Look at them. Have a body posture that is open and sends the message that you are interested in what they have to say. Your whole body is focused on the other person. You are not distracted by or focused on anything else. Seek to understand what they are saying and what they mean. Seeking to understand the other person does not mean you are in agreement with them. Nor does it mean you need to give up your own perspective. It simply means that, in the moments that they are talking and you are listening, you are focused on where they are coming from rather than on yourself. This is a huge shift, and not an easy task, but a powerful one. What feelings do you sense in what the person is saying and perhaps also not saying. Reflect the feelings you are sensing back to them. Offer an empathic response. Let the other person know that you can imagine how they might be feeling. When the person has finished talking, show them you were really listening well by paraphrasing, summarizing, and reflecting feelings back to them. Ask them if you understand accurately what they were attempting to convey. Good listening conveys respect and validates the other person. What a gift you are giving them to pay such good attention to them and to offer to them a sense of being  heard, felt, and understood.
  3. Express yourself clearly. Before you say anything, gain clarity about what is your goal and key point? How can you express yourself briefly (so the other person is better able to follow you and understand your point) and clearly? Monitor your tone of voice so that you are expressing yourself in a non-threatening way (so the other person can stay open and listen well). Talk about yourself (so that you avoid blaming or making statements about the other person). Share your feelings, your needs, your requests. Stay focused on achieving understanding and solutions rather than on blame and who’s right. Avoid “always” and “never” superlatives. Check your own assumptions and negative judgments. Good communication is clear, easy to understand, and non-threatening.

Now, it’s time to practice these skills. Pick one skill to practice, or pick a person that you would like to focus on practicing your communication skills. Small efforts and regular practice can make a big difference.