Effective communication is one of the keys to effective relationships of all kinds–relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. Effective communication also involves other key ingredients to effective relationships, including the tone of your communication and the empathy and understanding you provide as a listener.

As a lead in to the first step, let’s look at what is going on in the brain of the person receiving your communication. On the receiving end, the lightening-fast emotion center of the brain scans your face, body language, and tone of voice for whether you are “friend or foe”. This is really important because, before your listener has comprehended the words you have said, they have already made an assessment about your communication that will affect how they respond. If they perceive your communication as critical or attacking (based upon your tone, facial expression, and body language), they are likely to become shut-down, guarded, defensive, or counter-attacking. What most people want from a listener is understanding. In order for the listener to offer understanding and remain openly engaged in the conversation, they will need to feel safe. That requires you to project safe cues in your demeaner when you communicate. Which leads us to step #1.

  1. Manage your emotions. The first step in any communication is to make sure you are calm. It is hard to be polite, clear, concise, and kind when you are upset, scared, hurt, or angry. An aggressive, critical, blaming tone with likely create defensiveness, counter-attacks, or shut down in the listener. So first, take some steps to soothe yourself. Take time to wind down the intensity of your anger and to sort out your thoughts. Review your communication tools and practice what you want to say. Consider the perspective of the listener. All of these steps will help you move from reactive to thoughtful and responsive. Remain aware also of your tone of voice and body language. Remember, that is what the listener will be scanning for and immediately reacting to.
  2. Manage what you say. The easiest way to maintain safety for the listener and reduce the tendency towards blame and criticism is to talk about yourself. The “I” statements we have all heard about. Practice statements like “I feel _______ when __________.”  Insert a true feeling (not “I feel that you…” , which is a blaming statement in disguise) and a specific circumstance that occurred that prompted your feelings and reaction.  When you communicate about yourself  you are not blaming the other person, but rather helping them to understand your experience. You can also add any needs or requests you may have. “I have a need for ________” and so “my request is __________.” These talking points can help maintain safe, non-blaming communication while also conveying important information in a brief, concise way.  Staying brief helps the listener follow what you are saying and, hopefully, be better able to summarize and understand.
  3. Be a good listener. Listening is often the hardest part of the communication, but also very important. We all tend to want empathy and understanding from the person listening to us. That means you also have to be ready to be a good listener for an effective, two-way conversation. Good listening involves several components. One is the ability to summarize what you heard, to show the other person you are truly listening to them. Communication often goes sideways when the listener responds back with their own feelings and perspective rather than showing the “talker” that they have heard and are trying to understand what they said. The impact is the “talker” does not feel understood and then often “doubles down” with a louder, more critical version of what they just said. And round and round you go.  Listening de-escalates and helps promote understanding. Another component is non-defensive curiosity about the other person helps effective listening. Asking questions shows the “talker” you are trying to understand them. In addition to summarizing and curiosity, empathy is an important ingredient of effective listening. Let the “talker” know what feelings you are hearing behind what they are saying. Offer understanding of how they could feel the way they do. Offering understanding does not imply that you agree with them, or that they are “right” and that you are “wrong” or at fault. It simply suggests that you are trying to empathize with their experience of what happened. Keeping this in mind may help you be more open to offering understanding.
  4. Look for areas of agreement. Conflicts in communication escalate when people don’t feel heard or understood (which is about listening, see #3) and when they focus on debate and disagreement rather than common ground. In your intimate relationships, it may mean stepping back to reflect that you love each other and that your relationship is more important than “winning” the argument. At work, it may mean that you both are interested in solving the problem. Looking for opportunities to identify where you agree can de-escalate and promote a spirit of working together to resolve differences. Starting with debate and disagreement tends to fuel conflict and animosity. Looking for areas of agreement can take the conversation in a refreshing new direction.

These steps are hard to do, but so worth it!  They can be game-changers in your important relationships. Consider which step is hardest for you and start practicing ways to improve that skill. Improving communication is a life long endeavor. Hopefully these four steps help you communicate effectively and, as a result, improve your relationships.