Personal and interpersonal boundaries are fundamental to personal well-being and to relationship health. Boundaries in relationships are essentially the “rules of the road” defining how two people relate to each other. Your personal boundaries help yourself and others understand your needs, values, norms, and limits. Personal boundaries vary across cultures and across individuals. Boundaries can be understood concretely by the saying “good fences make good neighbors.” (See the poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost). Fences delineate where one property ends and the other begins. This clarity of the property boundary can help neighbors get along because they know what property is their responsibility. Likewise, personal boundaries define where you end and the other person begins and what your personal limits are.

Boundaries can come in many forms. They can be physical (like how much personal space you need, or when and how you want to be touched) or emotional (like whether you are comfortable listening to someone or are comfortable with how someone is talking to you). Boundaries can be about your time, your energy, or your resources (like money). Boundaries can involve solely yourself (like when you choose to go to bed or wake up) or can involve your relationship to family members, friends, coworkers, children, coparents, neighbors, or other community members.

Your personal boundaries, consistently applied, help others understand you and your limits and help others learn how to treat you. To help you convey your personal boundaries, I offer the following tips:

  1. Define:  Take a personal inventory of your values, needs, and limits. When do you feel a boundary has been crossed? Clues for this include feeling anxious, stressed, annoyed, overwhelmed, uncomfortable. You may notice wishing you had said something or said “No” after saying “Yes.”  These are all clues to places where you may have a boundary that needs to be defined.
  2. Clarify: Now that you have some ideas of the boundaries you need to set, with whom do you need to set them?  Different relationships may require different boundaries; for example you may have a different boundary about personal sharing with coworkers or a parent than you do with a friend. Some one who crosses your boundaries more may need firmer boundaries than someone who respects your boundaries. For example you may be open to parenting advice from your pediatrician or a friend, but not from your mother who gives too much unsolicited advice.
  3. Communicate: Offer clear, kind, assertive, consistent communication about the limit you need to set. Do not assume the other person “should” know or can read your mind. Be clear and specific about your limit. You can do this in a brief, firm, and kind way. Then, be consistent with the message. Be ready to repeat and remind until someone learns.
  4. Practice: Be gentle with yourself and others as you try to stick to your boundaries and create the “rules of the road” you want others to follow for you. People may resist and push back against your boundaries, especially if the boundary you are setting presents a change in the relationship. Be consistent with your message. Manage any guilt, shame, self doubt, or worry that arises by setting limits with others. Remind yourself that boundaries are good for you and for your relationships.
  5. Respect:  Protect yourself when someone crosses your boundary. Consider ways within your control to maintain the limit. Also, respect the boundaries of others. Remember, people’s boundaries are different and someone else may have different limits and rules than you do. Respecting your own boundaries also involves respecting others.    Be honest and transparent about what you need and communicate it clearly. And, listen carefully to the needs of others and follow through with meeting their limits.

Here’s to having a greater understanding of yourself and to encouraging greater clarity and respect between yourself and others.