It’s wedding season. Couples are focused on planning their “big day.” This probably includes discussions about seating arrangements, flowers, menus, and all manner of party planning. Of course the party is an important part of celebrating the love and commitment of the couple. My suggestion is that couples also engage in a series of discussions about themselves and their hopes, dreams, and expectations about their shared life together. In fact, that important series of discussions probably needs to begin long before the decision to marry; hopefully as each person is getting to know each other more deeply and trying to understand if they are compatible and willing to navigate their differences.

I’ve noticed couples get into conflicts after they move in together (whether married or not) partly based upon assumptions they each made about home and chore management, roles, and expectations. Most of us perceive the world through our own lenses and negotiate life in the way we were raised to do so. It’s easy to assume that’s how our partner and the rest of the world thinks, views, and does things as well. Often, this is not the case. Once couples move in together they bump up against their differences in more ways than when they were dating. The more couples can discuss potential conflict areas beforehand, the smoother their transition to a committed life together.

Couples routinely bump into these common “big 5” conflict areas.

  • Chores/ roles/ division of labor
  • Money
  • Sex/ Intimacy
  • Parenting/ child raising
  • Extended family/ values/ religious practices

It’s understandable that these become areas of conflict for couples, given the amount of individual, familial upbringing, and cultural differences possible in all of these topical areas. Couples bump into their differences and conflicts arise. Conflict itself, is not the problem. Conflicts are inevitable in relationships. It’s how conflicts are handled that makes all the difference between growing resentments, disappointments, and distance or growing understanding, intimacy, and closeness. Conflict can be a pathway to greater understanding of each other and a greater sense of partnership when handled with empathy, commitment to self, other, and the relationship, good communication and negotiation skills, and a spirit of curiosity and growth through challenge.

It’s important for couples to learn about each other’s needs and expectations in each of the above areas. It’s important for couples to learn about each other’s values, goals, and dreams without making assumptions they are the same. Open discussion about these topics allows couples to come to some agreements before conflicts arise and helps partners understand each others needs and know what to expect. I encourage this type of intentional and proactive planning.

This requires good communication skills. Of course, as these discussions take place, partners are also learning about how each communicates, listens, and handles conflicts and differences. This is important information. Partners have the opportunity to learn about not only their differences, but areas for growth personally and together around their skill set in navigating discussions. Partners will learn about how each handles their emotions, empathy for each other’s feelings, consideration of each other’s needs, tolerance for differences, compatibility of values and dreams.

A series of discussions about these issues offers so much learning about each other. I encourage couples to spend more time in these important discussions than they do in discussions about seating arrangements, appetizers, and flowers. The results of deep and caring discussions about the “big 5” topic areas will last a whole lot longer than the wedding day.  Also consider pre-marital counseling as an investment in your relationship. No need to wait for deep resentments and difficult problems to arise to get support and build skills. Preventive maintenance works well not just with cars and teeth, it works wonders for relationships too! Invest in yourselves and each other to build a strong foundation together.

For help with communication, consider these great resources:

Marshall Rosenberg  Non-violent communication

Susan Heitler, Ph.D.   The Power of Two

For having important conversations:

John Gottman, Ph.D.  Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Dr. Sue Johnson  Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love