Coparents, before you hit “send,” consider a careful review of your email communication. Reacting in the moment and firing off a hot email isn’t productive. Take the time to calm yourself, think about what your child needs from you, and gain some perspective before you write a draft. Then, let the draft sit for at least 30 minutes and come back later to edit. Use the editing tips below to carefully review your email before you send. With these ten tips you will contribute to less conflict and improved coparent communication.

Use these editing tips before you send  for effective coparent emails:

  1. Have you separated facts from your perceptions?  Stick to facts.
  2. Have you identified a specific concern or request? State it directly and clearly based upon facts.
  3. Have you made any interpretations, assumptions and/or opinions about the facts? Own your assumptions and points of view as yours. Stick to facts as much as possible.  Admit what you don’t know for certain and seek out further information.
  4. Have you made any judgments, criticisms or personal attacks (directly, indirectly, or veiled)? Eliminate those statements.
  5. Have you blamed the other parent? Eliminate those statements. Talk about yourself, your thoughts, and your requests .
  6. What does the topic have to do with your child? Are you mentioning things unrelated to your child? If so, delete it.  Are you bringing up past business from your divorce or marriage? If so, delete it. Stay focused on your child.
  7. Are any statements demanding, hostile, rude or offensive?  Eliminate rude statements. Make requests, not demands. Be polite.
  8. Did you write it when you were hurt, angry, insulted, or otherwise upset? Eliminate caps, italics, bold, exclamation points, and other writing mechanisms that indicate strong emotions. Monitor the “tone” of the communication. Business-like and cordial is best.
  9. Have you satisfied the Golden Rule?  Would you be comfortable receiving the email from the other parent if circumstances were reversed?
  10. After editing, is your email brief, easy to understand, focused on facts, polite, and business-like (as in free of emotion and personal injury). Does it read in the same manner you would communicate in email to your boss or a family member?

Taking the time and attention to calm yourself and have a reasoned approach to your email is an investment in your children’s well-being. When you make efforts to respectfully interact with your child’s other parent, your children benefit. You also are likely to receive a better reply. You will know that you contributed to creating an effective coparenting relationship that your children want and need. Pause and edit before you send.