Based on the research, perhaps the single best thing a parent can do for their children in the wake of divorce is to develop a good, respectful working relationship with the other parent. Keeping conflict low between parents supports children’s emotional well-being and psycho-social development. To support your effective co-parenting efforts, I offer the following tips that keep your children at the center of your priorities and out of the middle of family conflicts.

  1. Remember that your interactions are about your children; not the past and not each other.
  2. Focus on shared goals and common purpose: to raise your children to become healthy, content, responsible adults.
  3. Look hard for common ground rather than focus only on your differences.
  4. Be humble.  You are not a perfect parent and neither is your co-parent.
  5. Speak politely and calmly to each other and especially in front of your children.
  6. Take responsibility for your own feelings!  Be aware of how these feelings may interfere with interacting effectively.  Do something constructive to cope with these feelings. This will help you change negative interaction patterns.
  7. Stop blaming and start creative, respectful problem-solving.
  8. Listen!  See some of my past blog posts on how to improve your listening skills.
  9. Talk directly to the other parent.  Never talk through your children; they are not your messengers.
  10. Share information about the kids regularly.  Keep each other informed. Consider 3 or 4 times per year parenting meetings.
  11. Use “please”, “thank you” and “I apologize” generously to build goodwill and respect.
  12. Back each other up as parents.  Your children benefit when you work together.  Work out your differences later and behind the scenes, not in front of your children.  A rule that is a compromise or a solution backed by both of you is often better than no policy or an inconsistent policy. Pick your battles. Most battles are not worth picking.
  13. Remain positive!  You are working together on behalf of your children.  They depend on you and are precious to you.  There’s no more important motivator for you to look for a way to approach each other respectfully than this.
  14. Take good care of yourself because these efforts can be challenging.  Co-parenting is a marathon, not a sprint You’re in it for the long haul.  You will need to take care of yourself in order to bring your best self to this important task.
  15. Get help when you need it.  Don’t drag yourself, your children, and your family down by repeating negative patterns and ruminating on negative emotions.  Seek out support, reading materials, therapists, mediators, and/or a co-parenting coach to offer you new perspectives, skills, and options for change.
  16. Your relationship with your co-parent is NOT a competition!  When you compete with the other parent, you and your children lose.  It is normal for your children to go through phases of favoring one parent over the other.  Parenting isn’t a popularity contest.  When done well, you will sometimes be unpopular. Popularity is fleeting, love endures.

For more information on co-parenting, check out my book The Quick Guide to Co-parenting After Divorce: Three Steps to Your Children’s Healthy Adjustment.