The myth of the phoenix bird tells the story of a beautiful bird that grew old, weak, and tired from long journeys. After living hundreds of years, the bird asked the sun to make it young and strong. The bird prepared a nest. In time the sun’s hot rays caused the bird to burst into flames, leaving only ashes. Then, out of the ashes, rose a new, young phoenix bird that was stronger than before.
Divorce can be a long, hard journey, leaving you tired and weak. It can leave you broken-hearted, stuck, or just plain feeling broken. How can the long, difficult journey of divorce be the fires from which a new, stronger you is forged?
Positive personal growth as a result of a major life crisis is an actual phenomenon studied by Tedeschi and Calhoun at UNC, Charlotte. They labeled the phenomenon “post-traumatic growth.” They suggest that major life crises can offer opportunities for significant and meaningful changes in the ways in which you think, act, and relate to others. Personal growth can happen in a variety of areas including relationships, compassion, new roles, skill development, personal strengths, spiritual depth, sense of purpose or meaning, and appreciation of life. In this way, life crises and challenges are potentially transformational events.
We have all heard the phrases “make lemonade out of lemons”, “the silver lining in the cloud”, and “opportunity out of crisis”. While these phrases can seem trite, dismissive and unwelcome when you are suffering, they are also meant to be hopeful. While no one wants painful things to happen, when they do, the best thing we can do is find ways to learn and grow from the pain, so that at least something good comes from it. This is so true for divorce. Whether you want the divorce or not, it is likely to be one of the most stressful times in your life. Lots of things will change. You might fight the change and the painful feelings along the way. What goodness might emerge if you were open to it rising out of the ending of your former life? Could you become a better parent or better partner? Could you learn better communication skills? Might you take on new career or household roles? Could these new skills and roles lead to a more confident, independent you? Could there be new possibilities in your future? Might your priorities change? I am not dismissing the pain or minimizing the heartache of divorce. I’m saying that the pain might birth something new and better. Just like the destructive flames yielded a new, strong phoenix bird.
How can you approach the painful, traumatic experience of divorce with openness to changing in positive ways?
With an open mind: to new ways of thinking about yourself, your co-parent, your family, your priorities, and your values. To being open to new possibilities that emerge from change. To considering new points of view.
With an attitude and curiosity to learn: a willingness to find solutions to problems, to learn new skills, to improve skills you already have. To meet new challenges with the motivation to persist and a spirit of mastery. Such an attitude inspires confidence building. Because learning anything new requires consistent practice and accepting that you start as a beginner and get better. In fact, learning anything new is hard in the beginning. Your incredibly sophisticated body and mind were built for challenge! You are up to it!
[Tweet “Challenge is part of the growth process.”]
With an open heart: to honoring and feeling your feelings. This is a painful time, be gentle with yourself. Offer compassion to yourself and to others. Consider forgiving yourself and others. Feel gratitude and appreciation for the many things in your life that are good. Show appreciation and be thankful. Sometimes when some parts of our lives aren’t going well, we can get tunnel vision and forget to notice the parts of our lives and people in it for which we can be truly thankful. Be open to receiving support from friends, family, professionals and your community.
Divorce is a time of family crisis and can leave you worn out and tired, like the old phoenix bird. Exhausted and depleted, you may feel you have lived hundreds of years and walk a thousand miles on the divorce journey. What you want, more than anything, is to feel joy again and confident about your future. Confidence, joy, and a bright future are yours if you are open to positive personal growth out of the crisis. If you are open to change and learning. If you feel your feelings, allow yourself time to heal and others to support you. You may feel like your life is in ashes in the wake of divorce, but you can rise from the ashes stronger, transformed, ready to move forward in new ways. Be the phoenix rising.
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