In our fast-paced, highly tech-dependent, busy lives we have many “opportunities” to be distracted from the things most of us say that we value the most– our closest relationships. Sadly, your most likely poor connection is not a dropped call on your cell phone but a mildly rejected loved one. When your head is down, focused on your phone or other electronic device, or you are distracted or preoccupied, you’re not paying keen attention to the people closest to you that you love the most.

I see so many couples and individuals in my office that are longing for more connection with their partner. They have lost touch because they have missed a million different little opportunities to connect with each other over the years. They have missed so many chances to show each other that they care and are interested that they have slowly drifted apart. After so many tiny rejections, they stop trying. It’s easy to lose sight of how important the little moments of connection can be in our busy day to day lives. But, if not now, when? When will we make time? When will we stop and pay attention?

Reaching out to make a connection, even with some one with whom we feel safe and trusting, is a vulnerable act. I am approaching you with a little piece of my heart in my open palm and outstretched arm. If you ignore my precious offering, or worse, slap my open hand, I will be less likely to approach you again. The rejection hurts. I realize this may seem overly dramatic, but I do believe a little version of this unfolds each time you approach your partner or they approach you to chat, offer a hug, or to invite you on a walk or to watch TV together. All little opportunities to connect. When these small daily events happen, will you realize that you are receiving an offer to connect? Will you accept the connection? Are you initiating opportunities to connect?

 

If you are longing for more connection, consider these five tips:

  1. Pay more attention to your partner’s efforts to make a connection with you. Remember to interpret the hug, conversation, or invitation to do something as an opportunity to connect. Increased awareness of the many little ways your partner is trying to connect with you will decrease the chances of you missing the connection. Don’t be too busy to receive your partner’s attempt. Pause. Accept the hug, kiss, or chance to talk.
  2. Get off your electronics! They are major distractions to connecting with the people that matter most to you. Unless you are away from your partner and sending an electronic message that connects you and communicates affection, such as “I’m thinking about you” or “xoxo”; set aside times to put the electronics down and focus on those you love.
  3. Establish rituals for leaving from and returning to each other. I am a big fan of “farewell” and “welcome home” as daily events rather than special occasion events reserved for extended separations. The comings and goings of our day to day life are opportunities to connect in a meaningful way. What I mean by connecting is face to face, eye to eye contact with a hug, kiss, and verbal expression of “hello”, “bye” “I love you”, “nice to see you”, “have a good day”, etc. Hollering “bye” from the other room doesn’t count. Taking a moment to make it count says to your loved one “you are important to me”. Make it a habit.
  4. Really listen. Let’s be honest; most of us are usually only half listening. We might be bored, distracted, or  multitasking. There are lots of reasons, but none of them good. Deep, heart-felt listening is hard, but worth it. It invests in your relationship by saying “I’m interested and paying close attention because you’re important to me.” When your partner talks to you they are attempting to make a connection. Listening and making conversation says I want to connect too.
  5. Initiate connecting throughout the day. This doesn’t have to take a lot of time or energy. Actions can be small and brief, but meaningful. Examples include: touching, starting a conversation, asking about them, inviting them to spend time with you. These small acts can have a high return on investment. Don’t let your partner feel lonely or ignored by you.

If you are yearning for more connection, consider these steps. Meaningful connection is good for your body, mind, and soul. It allows you to be truly seen, acknowledged, and linked with others in meaningful relationship. I can’t think of a better reason to put down my phone.