As a divorced parent, it’s easy to get caught up in your own feelings and frustrations. Execution of best parenting practices is hardly easy on a good day. When you’re feeling distracted and overwhelmed, it can be a daunting task. Sometimes concrete actions that represent your high-end parenting goals can keep you grounded and accountable as you walk through your challenging day. Use these top ten as daily reminders about how you want to conduct yourself with your co-parent. The checklist can keep these important behaviors “front of mind”. Consistent action builds new habits. As behaviors become habits they require less effort. Commit to doing one thing off this list each day. Your kids benefit when you make habits of these actions. You benefit from knowing you are trying your hardest and doing your best for them!
1. Take care of yourself. When you manage your stress, aren’t tired, hungry, or distracted, you are able to be less reactive and more thoughtful. When you take care of your feelings and your grief you are less likely to act it out with your other parent. Divorce is a stressful time. Practice regular stress management and seek support.
2. Practice being polite, respectful, civil, and tactful. Please and thank you are good places to start. Your children don’t want you to treat their other parent (who they love and identify with) worse than you would treat a stranger. If your children think you hate their other parent, they may identify that you hate parts of them as well. This is an excellent reason to commit to being on your best behavior, not your worst.
3. Support your children’s relationship with their other parent. Monitor your language. Use “Mom”, “Dad” rather than “your mother or your father”. “My kids’ Mom/Dad” rather than my “ex”. “Parenting time” rather than “visitation”. Notice positive ways your child is like their other parent. “You are really athletic, like your Mom”. “You have your Dad’s smile.” Be genuinely enthusiastic when listening to fun things they have done with their other parent. Support your child; don’t make it about your feelings.
4. Share relevant information about the kids regularly. Provide updates to each other. Compare notes about what your children are telling you. Take personal responsibility for obtaining information directly from schools, coaches, etc. Don’t assume the other parent is doing this for you.
5. Respect your co-parent’s authority with the kids. You are different people, so of course, you’re different parents. Wouldn’t it be great for your kids if they got to benefit from each of your strengths? Support your co-parent’s parenting decisions with your children. Accept their autonomy to parent differently from you in their home. Save your need to coordinate, collaborate, be consistent, and discuss your differences for the big things.
6. Respect your co-parent’s time. Respond to requests for information and items in a timely manner. That goes for responding to calls and emails as well. Be on time, stick to the parenting schedule, and give ample time in advance of requested changes. Refrain from excessive calls or texts to the kids when it’s not your parenting time. Refrain from scheduling things for the kids when it’s not your parenting time. You will have done your part to reduce opportunities for conflict.
7. Remain current with all child-related financial obligations for which you share responsibility. You don’t want to be “past due” on your kids! Here’s another area where you can do your part to avoid a conflict.
8. Observe the Golden Rule. Have you done all you can to reduce conflict, give the benefit of the doubt, and pick your battles? Have you responded in brief, polite ways, in person and in writing, focused on the business at hand, ignoring digs and attempts to “bait” you? Would you be comfortable with how you are interacting if the shoe were on the other foot?
9. Refrain from retaliating. Even when your co-parent is being unreasonable. Even when they are not following the “rules” for effective co-parenting. Even when they are not being fair. Be the bigger person. Take the high road. Act from your best self. Be the person you want them to grow up to be.
10. Remain focused on your children. Their feelings. Their needs. Make it work as best you can because you love them and that’s what they need from you.
This is a monumental task! It is hard work. Make it your intention every day to try these actions; to make your contribution to your children’s divorce adjustment and family experience positive. No one’s perfect. Recommit to try again when you fall short. Remain optimistic that your consistent efforts will produce something better and that someday your children will be grown and expressing gratitude for all that you did on their behalf.
