A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens is one of my favorite holiday stories. I love the themes of past memories, bitterness, generosity of spirit, reviewing how we live, and making changes. Certainly important themes for co-parents to consider post-divorce, especially as we head into the holidays. In Dickens’ Christmas Carol, Ebenezer Scrooge is miserly and bitter from painful injuries from his past that hardened his heart. After visits from ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, he decides to change the course of his life and opens his heart to a more generous way of living. As a co-parent, don’t be a “Scrooge” this holiday season; miserly about sharing parenting time with your co-parent, bitter about past memories from your marriage and divorce, oblivious to the impact conflicts about the holidays will have on your children. If you are struggling with being generous of spirit with your co-parent this holiday season, consider these scenes from the ghosts of divorce past, present, and future.
Scenes from the Ghost of Holidays Past
You are brought back to a time when your marriage was failing and you felt hurt, treated unfairly, or perhaps betrayed. In the more recent past, your divorce was painful. You felt deep resentment for how your former spouse handled the settlement process. There were times you blamed, called names, and wished you would never have to speak to or see your former spouse again. You wanted them to hurt as much as they hurt you. As a result of many painful experiences, hurt feelings, anger and mistrust, you were not kind or fair in your interactions with your former spouse. The first holiday following your divorce, when you dropped off your children, you and your co-parent argued loudly at the front door while your children watched.
Scenes from the Ghost of Holiday Present
Your heart is hardened from the pain of the past. In your bitterness, you find yourself inflexible and unyielding with your co-parent about parenting time over the holiday. You are unwilling to compromise about the parenting plan, counting your parenting overnights in a miserly fashion. You use the holiday as an opportunity to compete. You try to create more enjoyable activities and better gifts so that your children will want to spend more time with you; indirectly undermining your co-parent’s relationship with your children. You find subtle ways to guilt your children so that they feel obliged to take care of your emotional needs during the holiday.
Scenes from the Ghost of Holiday Future
You get a glimpse into how holidays in the future will unfold if you continue down this bitter, selfish, and controlling path. After years of angry battles with your co-parent about sharing the holidays, your adult children avoid coming home for the holidays. They find excuses to spend time with their partner’s family, or to be on vacation. They have grown tired of being in the middle, listening to complaints about their other parent and feeling the heavy weight of your disappointment if they don’t spend enough time with you during the holiday. You are not able to be in the same room with your former spouse without enormous tension. Your grown children make brief, polite visits to you. After they leave, they complain to their partner about how negative you are and how sad it is that they don’t enjoy the holidays with you. They finally feel free from your efforts to control them and frankly, prefer to spend more time with their other parent. They avoid sharing details about their time with their other parent with you because that has never ended well. They make vague statements to you about how they are spending their time over the holiday while they make plans with their other parent, who is more relaxed to be around and supportive about what they want to do.
Wake up from that nightmare! This does not have to be your future. Vow to make some changes this holiday season. Co-parenting generosity of spirit is cooperative, flexible, and willing to share your children so they can enjoy both of their parents during their holiday. Lighten your heart this holiday and give your children a great gift; a holiday free of tension, free of pressures about how and where they spend their time, free to love and make memories with both of their parents. Your generosity will pave the way for rewarding relationships with your children and peaceful holidays for years to come.
Wishing you and your family peace this holiday season.
