We’ve all been there. Today is going to be different. You are going to stick to your plans and commitments. Or, you made a deal with yourself that you were going to skip dessert, stop after one drink, go to the gym after work, or resist buying that cool jacket you found. But then, the moment comes and you give in to the impulse in the moment. You have the dessert, you order another drink, you decide you’re too tired and will go to the gym tomorrow, you buy the jacket. Then the sinking feeling sets in that you missed the opportunity to move closer to your goals yet again. So frustrating. How can you lose your focus and commitment so quickly?

The impulsive feeling part of you wants to feel good right now, avoid difficulty and discomfort right now. There is no future in the emotion brain, there is only now. The emotion brain doesn’t care if you’ll feel bad later about the choice you made, it only cares about saving you from discomfort now. To that part of your brain, there may not be a later if it doesn’t save you from discomfort now. That’s why it’s so hard in the moment to stay focused on your goals. Because your goals involve the future, and probably involve some hard work or uncomfortable choices.

The emotion brain is essential to staying alive and so it’s important that’s it’s lightening fast and impulsive when the situation is actually life or death. However, it’s not the part of the brain you want in charge when you’re trying to live your best life, meet your goals, and build confidence and character. To take actions from your best self and build your best self, you need the help of your more complex, creative and rational cerebral cortex brain.

To make the shift from the reactive, emotional, impulsive feel good now brain to the thinking, planning, evaluating brain build your future brain, you need a process to shift from reactive to responsive. Because in your modern life, you are probably not fighting for basic survival, you are fighting to act from your best self and build your best life. Are you up for the challenge? Here’s how….

  1. PAUSE: You must become aware that you have a choice to make. If you pause, you reduce the chance of an immediate, impulsive reaction. Pausing allows you the moments needed to access the slower, more contemplative part of your brain so you can think rather than react. You need to pause at least 20-30 seconds to make the shift from reactive brain to responsive, planning brain. Give yourself those moments.
  2. CALM: Pausing allows you to be aware of any emotional reactions that you may be having. Calming your feelings can help you appreciate that your body and brain are trying to help you avoid discomfort. You can appreciate that part of you is resisting the challenge of doing something hard or uncomfortable. Soothe yourself. Help yourself understand that the choice you are wanting to make won’t kill you, it’s something you actually want for yourself, it just might be challenging to do. You can only think clearly and choose wisely when you are calm enough to access your thinking.
  3. THINK: With your wise mind, consult your values, your goals, and who you want to be or who you know yourself to be, deep down. You can’t act from your best self unless you access the best parts of yourself. This is usually found in your core values and in the core of who you are and what you know that you are and can be. Take enough time to consider what actions are most in alignment with your values, goals, and who you want to be in the world. Then consider the options that match your values and consequences of each of the options you identify.
  4. ACT: Choose the action that is aligned with your values and moves you closer to your goals and best version of yourself and your life.

As you can see, these four steps require that you pause and take some time before choosing your next step. It is in pausing and taking those critical moments for yourself that you can shift from rewarding impulsive, base desires and feeling badly later to rewarding your values and goals, building qualities that are more enduring and satisfying in the longer term.

In the moment, the challenge is whether you will pivot towards feeling good now, sacrificing later or will you pivot towards feeling challenged and uncomfortable now to build confidence and character for the long term? It is hard in the moment. These four steps can help.

What will you choose?

For more help pausing and calming yourself, sign up for my newsletter and receive a Quick Guide to Managing Your Emotions.