Tax time is often a time when we take a hard look at our bank accounts and our finances.  As we organize financial records and crunch numbers, it’s also a good time to take a look at the true valuables in our lives; our relationships.  Stephen Covey, author of the bestselling 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, used the phrase “emotional bank account ” to describe the level of closeness and trust, or “richness” in our relationships.  A large balance in the “bank” means lots of positive connection, trust, and closeness in the relationship.  When there are too many “withdrawals” from the emotional “currency” of the relationship, created by negative interactions, the balance gets low and the relationship suffers.  

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. is a marital researcher, marital therapist, and author of many books, including The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.  In addition to both of these authors liking the number 7, they also refer to the emotional bank account .  Dr. Gottman refers to a variety of ways that couples attempt to connect with one another as making “deposits” into the emotional bank account.  Withdrawals represent negative connections, missed opportunities, or absence of connection.

So what exactly are “deposits” into the emotional bank account of our most important relationships?  Showing interest and attention, offering verbal or physical affection, giving compliments, listening, following through with commitments, showing understanding, apologizing, and showing up or spending time together are acts that offer connection, build closeness, and say you are important to me and I value you.

Common withdrawals include criticism, ignoring, lack of follow through with something you said you would do, being disloyal, dismissive, withdrawal (physical and/or emotional), and being unavailable.

At the end of our lives, most of us don’t long for a large fortune in the bank, but we do long for close connection to those we love, or we may have regret that we did not spend more time with our family and friends. Many of us may check the balance in our financial accounts somewhat regularly to be sure we have enough money.  What if we regularly checked the “balance” in our emotional bank account with a loved one?  If you checked your relationship emotional bank account right now, what would you find?  Would it be abundant with assets? Running low on cash?  Overdrawn?  How can each of us build the empire of riches that we long for in our closest relationships? You have the power to build your relationship’s emotional bank account; creating strength, trust, connection and security.

Consider creating a ledger of deposits and withdrawals for your relationship bank account.  Keep track only of the deposits and withdrawals that YOU are making (this is not a competition, so don’t keep score with your partner!).  For your own information and growth, how many positive versus negative comments, gestures, or interactions are you contributing to the relationship on any given day?  How might you deposit more and withdrawal less?

Here are some ideas:

  • Notice something your loved one does for you, the home, or the family.  Say thank you and that you appreciate it!
  • Compliment them
  • Offer to do something together
  • Take care of a chore or task so that they don’t have to
  • Stop what you are doing to really listen to them
  • Offer a hug
  • Do something you have been saying you would get done, but haven’t yet.

Try some of these low-cost, high return on investment actions today! Remember, our relationships to those we love are some of the most important and valuable assets we have.