Communicating with your co-parent is probably one of the more challenging and yet also one of the most important interactions you have. There are probably few other relationships in which it is so easy for communication to break down, and yet costly when it does.  Costly not only because of the emotional wear and tear on you, but also because of the negative effects on the people you care most about in this world– your children. You may wish that things could be different.  You may wish your co-parent were different!  Unfortunately, you can’t control him or her, but you can control what influence you have on the conversation. Be the one willing to try something different! One way you can contribute something positive to your interactions is by improving your listening skills.  I know, I know, your co-parent is the one that needs to learn to listen, not you!  Remember, you can’t change him or her, but your positive efforts may just change the interaction! And  improving your listening skills can help in all of your relationships; with your children,  family, friends, and business associates.  Lots of potential benefits to you (and your children) by being willing to take the first step toward positive change.

Listening isn’t just hearing; it’s far more involved than that.  We have all probably experienced someone hearing our words, but we still don’t feel they really understand. When we listen well, we hear the words and also the meaning and feelings behind the words.  If we don’t understand the meaning or feeling, we show interest by asking more about what the other person is saying.  This is listening for understanding. This kind of listening sends the message that you value and respect what the other person has to say. Being able to listen well is helpful in any interaction in which you need to connect or conduct business.  As a co-parent, you need to be able to effectively conduct business, or your children will suffer. The next time you have a discussion with your co-parent, try some of these strategies and see if they help you have a communication breakthrough instead of breakdown.

  • Show Interest  Stop talking and stop thinking about your rebuttal or what you are going to say next. Eliminate distractions so that the other person has your full attention.  You need to pay close attention to listen well. Non verbally show that you are engaged by making eye contact or nodding.
  • Put Your Own Agenda Aside  Stop talking.  Resist interrupting. Remind yourself that your perspective in not “truth” or “right”, but rather is based upon your assumptions, feelings, thoughts, history, and beliefs. The other person is different than you and has their own perspective. Suspend judgement.  Monitor your own feelings and reactions. Monitor your non verbal reactions for anger, disapproval, or lack of interest.
  • Paraphrase and Summarize What You Hear  Ask questions for clarification if you are not sure you understand.
  • Reflect the Feelings Being Communicated  How do they seem to be feeling about what they are saying?  How might you feel if you were in their shoes?
  • Verbalize Understanding     Based on the meaning of what is being said and the feelings you pick up from the person’s conversation, what are they trying to communicate to you?  Let them know that you hear their point of view. Remember,  understanding does not imply agreement. Letting the other person know that you understand what they are trying to say does not mean you agree with them, it just means that you listened well and have a good grasp of their point of view.  You don’t have to agree to respect the other person’s perspective.

So how will you benefit from improving your listening skills with your co-parent?  Your co-parent may begin to view you as more trustworthy and cooperative. As a result, they may share more information openly and honestly with you. You might learn something new about your children and how your co-parent is parenting. You will likely be able to build more respect.  This in turn could lead your co-parent to be more willing to compromise and cooperate with you.  All of these potential positive outcomes build a climate in which you can more easily share information, work together, and resolve issues.  And that allows you to be an effective, involved parent.  That’s what you want and your children need.  Not only is listening well good for your ability to interact well with your co-parent, but you will also be setting an example of respectful, effective communication for your children. Now that’s a win-win!