Since I am a fan of the NCAA basketball tournament and of lists, there’s no better time than March Madness to pull out a tip list.  This year, keep the drama on the basketball court and out of your family life!  Keep these tips in your awareness.  Like a college athlete, practice consistently and work hard.  You may just advance to the final round a champion!

  1. Remember that your interactions are about your children; not the past and not each other.
  2. Focus on your shared goal and purpose: to raise your children to become healthy, content, responsible adults.
  3. Look hard for common ground rather than focus only on your differences.
  4. Be humble.  You are not a perfect parent and neither is your co-parent.
  5. Speak politely and calmly to each other and especially in front of your children.
  6. Take responsibility for your own feelings!  Be aware of how these feelings may interfere with interacting effectively.  Do something constructive to cope with these feelings. This will help you change negative interaction patterns.
  7. Stop blaming and start creative, respectful problem-solving.
  8. Listen!  See my recent blog post on how to improve your listening skills.
  9. Talk directly to the other parent.  Never talk through your children; they are not your messengers.
  10. Share information about the kids regularly.  Keep each other informed.
  11. Use “please”, “thank you” and “I apologize” generously to build goodwill and respect.
  12. Back each other up as parents.  Your children benefit when you work together.  Work out your differences later and behind the scenes, not in front of your children.  A rule that is a compromise or a solution backed by both of you is often better than no policy or an inconsistent policy.
  13. Remain positive!  You are working together on behalf of your children.  They depend on you and are precious to you.  There’s no more important motivator for you to look for a way to approach each other positively than this.
  14. Take good care of yourself because these efforts can be challenging.  Co-parenting is a marathon, not a sprint (at the risk of mixing athletic event metaphors!)  You’re in it for the long haul.  You will need to take care of yourself in order to bring your best self to this important task.
  15. Get help when you need it.  Don’t drag yourself, your children, and your family down by repeating negative patterns and ruminating on negative emotions.  Seek out support, reading materials, therapists, mediators, and/or coaches to offer you new perspectives, skills, and options for change.
  16. Unlike the NCAA basketball tournament, your relationship with your co-parent is NOT a competition!  When you compete with the other parent, you and your children lose.  It is normal for your children to go through phases of favoring one parent over the other.  Parenting isn’t a popularity contest.  When done well, you will sometimes be unpopular.  Get over it! Love endures; popularity is fleeting.

Follow these sixteen sweet tips and your co-parenting efforts will be a slam-dunk!