Hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, fear, blame, guilt are just some of the feelings in the complex web of emotions you may encounter during and after a divorce.  These feelings are likely to be the most challenging and most important part of your divorce to manage.  Why most important? Because how you manage your emotions is likely the key ingredient that differentiates “ugly” from “amicable”, affecting the final price tag of your divorce  and your children’s adjustment. The more your emotions remain not acknowledged, not addressed or not in-check, the more difficult your divorce is likely to be for all involved, including your children.  The more successful you become at coping with your feelings, the more capable you will be of adjusting well and helping your children adjust well.

Divorce involves loss and is a significant stressful life event.  Really, divorce is not an “event”, but a process, occurring over time.  It takes time to grieve, time to heal, time to adjust to all of the changes, time to separate, time to process all of the feelings associated with all of this. This can be a daunting task. You are charged with coping with your feelings while also negotiating a divorce settlement with your spouse, continuing to work, parenting your children while helping them cope with their divorce adjustment, and navigating the myriad of details, decisions, and changes to your life that ensue as a result of restructuring a family from one household into two.

How can you stay steady and on course during this storm?

Awareness  You can’t cope well with feelings that you don’t admit exist!  Take a personal inventory. Notice your muscle tensions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. What are they saying to you? Often anger is a cover for softer, more vulnerable feelings such as hurt and fear.  Not always, sometimes anger is anger; but it’s useful to consider a fuller range.  Be mindful that your emotional experience of a complex event and loss such as divorce is not likely to be a one-note song.  Also be mindful of unhealthy, nonproductive ways you may be trying to cope with your feelings.  These may include, but are not limited to overeating, not eating, drinking too much alcohol, shopping/overspending, withdrawal or avoidance, or having a shorter fuse/yelling/blaming.

Soothing  Find ways to calm, soothe, and nurture your wounds.

Physically

  • Breathe
  • Muscle Relaxation  (tense and release muscle groups that hold tension)
  • Stretch, Exercise, Move, Dance

Use Your Senses

  • Listen to music, nature sounds, hum, sing
  • Smell fresh air, candles, lotions, flowers/plants
  • See nature, photos, reminders of things serene and/or beautiful
  • Taste soothing drinks, gum, flavors (without overindulgence!)
  • Touch such as hugs, petting an animal, lotions, massage, warm/cold compresses, blankets, a brush through your hair

Social/Personal Self-Care

  • Visualize a peaceful place or future
  • Talk to a friend  (and/or consider a mental health professional)
  • Journal writing
  • Enjoyable activity such as a hobby or craft
  • Have a good laugh

Challenge Negative Thinking  Emotions distort our perceptions like the mirrors in a fun house.  Given that there are plenty of strong emotions related to divorcing, proceed with caution!  You are in the fun house for sure! Your emotions are likely feeding distorted, highly negative thinking; and that thinking, in turn, is fueling more highly charged emotions. While this might feel good in the moment, and might “feel” like it’s the reality, this negative feedback loop will not serve your long-term interests, or your children.

Monitor your thoughts for signals of distortion such as:

  • “Always” or “Never”
  • “Shoulds”
  • All or nothing beliefs, wants, or needs
  • Worst Case Scenarious
  • Blame or Guilt

Thoughts from such perspectives often are not realistically accurate, tend to worsen how we feel, and interfere with productive problem-solving.

Differentiate what is within your control and outside your control.  Your thoughts, feelings, and actions are within your control.  Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are outside of your control.  Focus your limited time and energy on what is within your control!  Accepting what is outside of our control does not mean we like it or agree with it, but letting go of fighting against what we can’t control frees up energy to focus on what we can control.

Identify realistic, affirming and positive thoughts  Remind yourself……

  • of your strengths and ways you are competent
  • of past times you handled something difficult and survived; perhaps thrived!
  • that uncomfortable feelings don’t last forever–this will pass!
  • that you can tolerate pain and discomfort; you have before and you will again.
  • of the things and people you are grateful for in your life

 

I hope that you will try a variety of these strategies as you progress through your divorce.  Take the time necessary to process your feelings.  They won’t go away by ignoring them; they will only go underground and wreak havoc on your body, your soul, and those around you indirectly. The more you address what is going on for you internally and emotionally as a result of this major stress, the more control you will have as you navigate important decisions and interactions that could have long term consequences.  I think that makes it worth your effort to invest in some of these strategies.  Invest in yourself. Coping with divorce takes time.  Stay the course, there are clearer skies ahead.

 

*Please also see my previous blog “How to Cool Down when you’re Hot”