Well-intentioned parents can unwittingly create conflicts when assumptions are made about parenting time and/or plans are made before seeking clarity and agreement. The regular weekday and weekend parenting time may go off without a hitch, but changes to the schedule and scheduling events can present opportunities for different understandings of plans and protocols and therefore, conflicts. Sometimes parents have parenting plans that are not clear and specific about some issues. The lack of clarity can also create opportunities for conflicts.
Consider these all-too-familiar unpleasant scenarios:
Dad informs Mom a few days before Spring Break begins that he plans to pick the children up a bit before the end of school and whisk them off to the airport to make their flight to Disneyland. Mom thinks Spring Break parenting time doesn’t begin until 5pm, which is their standard pick up and drop off time. Mom is not in agreement with the plan to pick up early from school. She was planning to see the kids before they left on vacation.
Summer camps are filling up fast, so Mom registers the children for three week-long camps before parents have clarified their summer vacation plans. Dad wants to vacation with the kids during a week Mom registered for summer camp.
Isabel wants to do dance class, so Mom signs her up, but Dad assumed Isabel would be playing soccer again this Fall, like she did last year, so he signed her up.
These are stressful situations for parents. They are also situations in which children become the source and the center of parental conflict, which is harmful to their well-being. Regular and predictable planning meetings can help parents plan ahead and avert last minute changes, conflicts, and misunderstandings that ultimately impact their children.
Planning ahead and obtaining agreement about the calendar are potential tools to reduce misunderstandings and last minute conflicts between coparents.
I recommend parents plan to meet, virtually or in person, three or four times per year to create a plan and shared understanding about the next three or four months. Planning will involve reviewing the parenting plan so parents adhere to their agreements about holidays, vacation times, and scheduling child activities. This is an opportunity to look ahead at what holidays, events, activities, and choice of vacations may be upcoming. In this way, parents can anticipate any snags and resolve them well in advance. They can also set pick up and drop off times. This is also the opportunity to reach agreements about child activities for the upcoming season and clarify who will register and how costs will be shared.
Specifically, I suggest parents minimally meet:
In mid summer to plan for Fall
In November to plan for Jan – Spring and/or end of school year
In April to plan for Summer
I suggest that parents have with them:
The most recent copy of their parenting plan (it’s easy to forget the details of whose year it is for what holiday)
A calendar of the months for which you are planning
A list of planning topics that often includes: upcoming holidays or special occasions, possible vacations or choosing vacation dates, need to choose camps or activities for the children and decide who will register and how payment will be handled.
Also don’t forget to bring your best communication skills, which includes emotion management, listening, and basic manners and politeness. Remember, this is a business meeting and business communication is the way to go.
Once these topics are addressed, plot them out on the calendar. This will help both parents identify if there are any issues or conflicts. For example, sometimes a holiday will create a situation in which one parent has three weekends in a row. The parenting plan may or may not have language in it for how to deal with when this happens. This also allows parents to consider any requests for changes or add specifics (pick up and drop off, for example) if the parenting plan does not have these details predetermined.
Coparent planning meetings are a great way to add structure and predictability to yours and your children’s lives. Such structure and advance planning also can reduce the potential for last minute conflicts and misunderstandings.
As Spring is upon us, I encourage parents to get their planning meetings on the calendar for the year.
