The co-parenting relationship is the bridge that children walk upon as they navigate their two homes. Co-parents can create a solid and stable “bridge” for their children by focusing on these four “C”s.
Calm: Maintain a calm demeanor in all interactions, written and in person. Emotion management skills are essential for achieving calm. Consider ways that you can take care of your hurt and angry feelings so that they are not interfering with your ability to parent effectively with your co-parent. Consider the support of psychotherapy if needed. Calm interactions allow for cordial, civil, polite and respectful interactions. This fosters safety and security for your child. Calm is the basis for effective communication and decision-making, which is essential for parenting.
Communication: Stay focused on your child. That is your “business” with each other. Keep communication clear and concise. Avoid assumptions about your co-parent, blame, and other forms of “you” talk. Also avoid digressing into talk about the past. Make proposals that focus on solutions that help your child moving forward. An important communication skill that is often in short supply, is listening. Listen respectfully and without interruption to your co-parent. Offer understanding of their perspective.
Coordination: Share important information with your co-parent. Keep each other informed. Receive information with appreciation and grace. Identify which parenting topics you would like to coordinate across homes and do so, when you are in agreement (for example, regarding bedtimes, curfews, and/or screen time). Also, wisely accept that you and your co-parent will parent differently about many things in each of your homes. Your children can benefit from the ways in which you are different as well as they can benefit from when you have some similar rules and expectations. Let go of the ways in which you parent differently.
Conflict Management: Keep conflict low as your priority above “getting your way” about any particular parenting issue. High conflict between parents is related to all sorts of adverse outcomes for children. As a result, most battles are not worth picking. Look for where you agree rather than focusing on where you disagree. Parenting is a long game. Most parents want the same general things for their children. Most parents have similar hopes and dreams for their children as adults. So keep your eye on the prize and don’t sweat every small decision. Think about how you want your child to be able to talk about their parents when they are an adult and look back on their two home childhood. Act accordingly. Accept your differences and avoid engaging in conflicts because you believe your perspective is in your child’s “best interest.”. Stay focused on generating options that minimize conflict and support your child’s long-term well-being, because parents that aren’t in conflict is in your child’s best interest. Be willing to negotiate solutions that take both yours and your co-parent’s views into account.
Practice these four “C”s in your co-parenting relationship. This will put your child first, rather than your feelings and grievances. It will serve your child’s long-term adjustment and well-being. This will also allow you to live in peace and with less struggle.
For more information and guidance on effective co-parenting, check out these titles:
The Quick Guide to Co-Parenting After Divorce: Three Steps to Your Child’s Healthy Adjustment
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts
