The week after Mother’s Day I hear a lot from Moms about their Mother’s Day experiences.  Some Moms process their feelings of disappointment as their expectations of being celebrated, pampered, focused upon, and valued were not met. “Is it too much to ask, after spending all year thinking about everybody else, anticipating all of their needs, celebrating them, making special times for their occasions, that I get this one day?” Well, no, it’s not too much to ask….and, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations.

I do believe it’s reasonable to expect your family to value you. It is unreasonable  to expect that the members of your family, especially children, will innately know how or what to do. I coach Moms to be clear and specific about what they are wanting and needing; something women are not trained and supported in doing. I like to suggest that, if you want someone to get it right, give them a clear and specific target to hit! Family members, help support your children in showing Mom how much she is loved and valued.

One way to do this, is to focus on your family values about celebrations. What do you want your children to learn about valuing each other and about how to celebrate someone? How is it similar or different from what you learned in your family about celebrations? Focusing on what you want to teach your children can reduce pressures and blame. It can create common purpose for the adults. After all, your children may one day form families of their own, benefiting from what they learned about how you show the ones you love that they are valued.

Whether your children live in one home or two, parents can support their children in learning skills for celebrating and valuing family members. Help and support your children as they celebrate Mom this Mother’s Day. Children feel so good when they give and the receiver is pleased. Giving feels good! Helping others to feel valued feels good!  Help your children experience the joy of giving.

Here are 8 simple suggestions to help children celebrate Mom:

  1. Coach your children to ask Mom what she would like for Mother’s Day. Take guessing and mind reading out of it and go straight to the source. Mom, if asked, provide specific, actionable, concrete ideas so your family can get it right.  (Hint: “Oh, anything is fine” or “I just want to enjoy family time” is vague and confusing. “I would love it if you made my morning coffee and brought it to me when I get up” specific, actionable, a clear target.
  2. Ask your children what they think Mom might like? This encourages empathy and the practice of tuning in to the ones we love. Encourage children to think about what they know Mom likes and doesn’t like, and what makes Mom feels special. This will be an invaluable skill to develop for all of their relationships.
  3. Encourage your children to create something. Especially young children love to build, draw, make, grow things. Consider having them draw a picture, make a handmade card,  or plant something. Older children can pick out a card themselves if they don’t want to make one, or they can create one on the computer. Help them do this.
  4. I especially like to encourage children old enough to write, to write something they appreciate about Mom in the card. Younger children can dictate to you and you can write it down. Encouraging children to develop and express gratitude is also a great lifelong skill. Telling and showing loved ones what they mean to us is a valuable relationship skill! Trust me when I say Mom will be delighted and will treasure it. Children will love to see the look on Mom’s face too. Warm feelings all around. Priceless.
  5. Consider acts of service. Children can create a coupon book filled services that help Mom. Help with a chore or doing something around the house that Mom wants done. Weed the yard. Mow the lawn. Pile the wood. Dust the house. Help with Spring cleaning. Wash her car. Moms know the list of things that need done is endless. She would love some help.
  6. Consider the gift of an experience instead of things. Go on a walk, play a game, watch a movie, do her nails.
  7. Consider giving Mom some time. An uninterrupted bath, maybe with salts or bubbles;  time to read, or a nap….uninterrupted! Time for Mom to enjoy herself is usually in short supply.
  8. Make sure Mom has the day off from her usual laundry list of tasks. No chores or meals to prep. Help the children to do these tasks for her or give her a pass for the day.

Generally speaking, Moms want to spend enjoyable time with their children and family, time to slow down, freedom from the long list of to dos they carry around at all times, a little break from the day-in day-out mundane tasks of life, and mostly to know that they are appreciated, valued and loved for all that they do for the family. Notice that most of the things Moms want do not require lots of money. They require some time and thought. That’s what all of our most important relationships require, time and thoughtful attention. Help your children learn this.

A final note to Moms: Have realistic expectations about the day. Fantasies of family bliss with neatly dressed children politely spending an entire day focused on what you want to do is not realistic. Kids don’t stop being kids. They will get bored. They will get into fights with their siblings. They will not be able to remain focused on your feelings. That’s not to say that it isn’t a good idea to help children think about others, namely Mom. It is to say that the shelf life of thinking outside of themselves will be short and dependent on the child and their developmental stage and age. Low expectations and a realistic understanding that your family is still the same family even though it’s a special day for you will help you enjoy the day.

My grown children, now avid hikers, recall….”Mom, remember those awful nature hikes you made us go on for Mother’s Day?”  Ah, yes, I remember. Not always the greatest times. Let’s just say, I gave up on requesting nature hikes after a few of those Mother’s Days. But I am proud to say, they grew into their own ways to show me how much they loved and valued me over the years and I treasure those memories. Family served as a learning lab for ways to celebrate and value those you love. As they became adults, they found their own ways to carry this on.

So this Mother’s Day, help the kids and Mom feel good about celebrating. If you are the other parent, help your children learn about valuing and celebrating their important relationships. If you are a single Mom, help your children find ways to celebrate you and enjoy your day with them. Be clear, direct and realistic regarding your expectations.

To all the Mother’s out there, wishing you a day with moments of feeling deeply valued and understanding the deep value you offer to your children. Happy Mother’s Day.