Valentine’s Day conjures up thoughts of romance and professing your love and affection for a partner. The holiday can be surrounded by a lot of hype, anticipation, and disappointment.  Valentine’s Day can be fun and meaningful and it can also be a tough holiday for anyone who is single or feels alone, whether in a relationship or not.

I like the idea of turning Valentine’s Day on its head and instead of focusing on romance, cards, flowers, chocolates, and dinner, focusing on loving kindness to self and others. Don’t let this be a holiday of dread, sadness, or disappointment. Take control of the opportunity to practice being loving.

Loving kindness is a great pathway to opening your heart more to yourself and others. Why not start with yourself? When you treat yourself like you matter, your relationships are elevated. When you feel good about yourself, your bring more positive energy to your relationships.

Loving kindness, inward and outward, is a wonderful way to celebrate Valentine’s Day . The more you love yourself, the more you can truly love others. The less you judge yourself harshly, the less you will need to judge others. Time to cast out the inner critic! No one’s perfect. How about celebrating the many wonderful qualities you have?

Since many people find it more difficult to be kind to themselves than to others, I suggest taking the whole month of February to practice being loving and kind….starting with YOU.

Here is an incomplete list of actions you can take each day in February to practice loving kindness toward yourself:

  1. Identify with  yourself as a small child, even an infant. Imagine the wonder of this new life and your inherent value. The small child version of you is neither “good” nor “bad”, rather just “is” and is simply beautiful just in being. Allow yourself to feel that feeling of the value in “being” you.
  2. Get quiet, mindful, or meditate with slow, deep breathing and connect with a general sense of loving kindness.  Connect with the feeling of loving someone or something (a pet or entity or person) and/or of being loved by someone or something. Offer this loving kindness to yourself. Consider even holding your hands over your heart, giving yourself warmth and kind connection (like hugging yourself).
  3. Practice being kind and loving to others. Offer a smile to someone. Do something nice for someone. Notice how good it feels to contribute positively in the world.
  4. Recognize your common humanity. You are human, like everyone else. You are imperfect, like everyone else. You make mistakes, like everyone else. You are no better and also no worse, than everyone else. Everyone struggles and is doing the best they can; just like you.
  5. Give yourself the same empathy and understanding you offer to others. Acknowledge and empathize with your struggles. Empathy is emotional understanding. It doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means feeling “felt”, or acknowledging your feelings as human.
  6. Recognize your uniqueness. Wait, didn’t I just say you are just like everyone else? Yes, we are all part of the human race. AND, it is also true that everyone is unique and there is no one else exactly like YOU on the planet! Consider that the world needs the uniqueness of YOU and what you contribute.
  7. So, contribute!  (See #3). The world needs you. Act on this fact but making contributions that add value to the world. Start small. Every little effort makes a difference. There’s nothing better to help you feel your own value than to take actions that contribute value to others and the world. This isn’t about curing cancer, though that’s amazing; it’s about all of the little contributions you have the potential to make daily. Make a point to take actions, to notice the actions you take, and acknowledge that they matter.
  8. The noticing matters. You must acknowledge your own talents, qualities, contributions, and ways in which you add value, help others, made someone’s day, solved a problem, lifted someone’s spirits, did something kind or thoughtful, etc. Take a detailed inventory.
  9. Challenge your “inner critic” that discounts and diminishes your positive qualities and accomplishments as well as highlights and exaggerates your faults and mistakes. Make a vow to resist the harsh self critic and to be at least as kind to yourself as you are to others. Try being fair and balanced in your self assessment. Remember your common humanity; like everyone else, you are a combination of good and less good qualities, attributes, and actions.
  10. Treat yourself well. When you take actions that value yourself, you experience being valued. Talk nicely to yourself. Compliment yourself. Give yourself time to rest. Make time to take caring actions for yourself, like scheduling that doctor appointment, reading a book you want to read, taking a soothing bath, making your favorite food, visiting a place where you feel good, to name a few examples.

I encourage you to pick one activity each day this month to practice. Some may be harder to do than others. If the practice creates strong emotions and/or difficult feelings, consider seeking professional support. Consider practicing with a trusted friend or family member. Do the practice together, sharing what you learn about valuing yourself as well as sharing how much you value the other person. Take Valentine’s Day to a whole new level of understanding about love, the healing power of love to cast out shame and help us connect to our own humanity, vulnerability and worth, and connect in a more compassionate way to those around us.