Listening is the holy grail of relationship superpowers. It is essential to the connection and intimacy that builds, sustains, and grows healthy relationships. Listening is a superpower because it can de-escalate conflicts, heal misunderstandings, help understand differences and build bridges or sometimes deep connections between us. It is what most of us deeply want from others, yet find so hard to offer. Building your listening skills will give you amazing interpersonal power and relationship effectiveness. To truly harness this power, practice listening with all of yourself.
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Listen with your body. Face the person who is talking. Look at them. Have a body posture that is open and sends the message that you are interested in what they have to say. Your whole body is focused on the other person. You are not distracted by or focused on anything else.
Listen with your mind. Focus your attention on the other person and have the intention of being curious about their point of view. Seek to understand what they are saying and what they mean. This requires an open mind to the perspective of the other person. This may challenge your own assumptions and your own view. That’s okay. Seeking to understand the other person does not mean you are in agreement with them. Nor does it mean you need to give up your own perspective. It simply means that, in the moments that they are talking and you are listening, you are focused on where they are coming from rather than on yourself. This is a huge shift, and not an easy task, but a powerful one.
Listen with your heart. An open heart is a compassionate heart. Imagine how the other person might be feeling. What feelings do you sense in what the person is saying and perhaps also not saying. What is at the heart of the matter for them? How might you feel if you walked in their shoes or saw the situation from their point of view? Reflect the feelings you are sensing back to them. Offer an empathic response. Let the other person know that you can imagine how they might be feeling.
Now, share with them a summary of what you have heard and understand. Share with them both the content of what they said as well as the feelings they expressed or you sensed. Ask them if you understand accurately what they were attempting to convey. When the person has finished talking, show them you were really listening well by paraphrasing, summarizing, and reflecting feelings back to them. They will let you know if you are accurate and they feel understood, or if they would like to clarify and provide more information to you. If they provide more information, summarize again. By doing this, you are showing them with your actions that you were really focused on listening to them. What a gift you are giving them to pay such good attention to them and to offer to them a sense of being heard, felt, and understood.
So, if this is such a great thing to do, why don’t we do it more? One reason is that most of us didn’t or still don’t have very great examples in our lives of how to be a good listener. Listening is a skill that can be learned. If you didn’t have someone informally teach you in your early relationships and it’s not something taught in school, then you’re left to learn it on your own. Fortunately, it’s never too late to learn!
Listening is also hard to do. Not at a skill level, but at an ego and emotional level. Our own feelings and our own ego get in the way of listening well.
Your own hurt or injured feelings can lead to closing yourself off from the other person, shutting down, becoming self-protective, or going on the offensive and attacking. Whey you close down, you are not interested in the other person’s point of view or how they are feeling; you are only interested in protecting yourself. When you go on the offensive, you may be interrupting or blaming them. Either way, you are focused on your own feelings and your point of view and shutting down the other person. Self-protection is self-focused. If your emotions are interfering with listening, you will need ways to calm yourself down enough to restore your ability to be open and curious. You will not be able to listen well if you are feeling emotionally threatened. From that perspective, the pathway to listening will need to begin with managing your emotions so you can connect with your own sense of safety.
Your ego gets in the way of listening well by staying stuck in your own point of view and your need to save face. You may be too attached to your own beliefs and your own point of view to be curious about and open to the other person’s different perspective. You may feel too threatened by ideas different from your own. Or you may feel a strong need to protect your sense of who you are. Perhaps it’s too uncomfortable to accept that you may have disappointed someone or let them down, or that you made a mistake. Perhaps it’s too hard to hear critical feedback. It can be hard to maintain a listening ear if you are feeling blamed or your positive sense of yourself is being challenged or diminished.
These are two key reasons that listening actively and well are so very challenging. It is also why it can be such a superpower when you master the art of listening and use the skill effectively in your relationships. Learning the skills and practicing managing your own emotions and gently moving your own ego out of the way can lead you to this relationship holy grail. Not only will the people in your life appreciate your efforts, but you will be rewarded with more connected, effective relationships.
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