Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. The process creates emotional, financial, interpersonal, and legal issues to resolve.  You will have many feelings, will have to make many decisions, and will go through many changes and transitions.  This process will be much less difficult if you don’t go it alone.  Having a variety of supportive people on your divorce “team” can ensure that you are well supported and well advised.

Your team is made up of professional and personal supports.  Each person’s divorce circumstances are different, however, most people report feeling stressed, distracted, and not themselves.  Why make big decisions on your own when you are not at your best to make such decisions? Might you make different decisions if you were less emotional, less sleep deprived, or less distracted? If you think you would, consider which of these people you need on your team.

Your Legal Team:  Who will help you finalize the divorce settlement?  Consider your options carefully.  Ideally you want your team member to help you reach a fair settlement in a manner that is efficient with your time and money and exacts the least amount of conflict and emotional turmoil.  Conflict exacerbated by an adversarial legal process can have effects on the parties for years after the divorce is final.  Settlements reached from an embattled “take no prisoners” approach often leave both parties unhappy.  When some one is really unhappy with the settlement and believes the outcome was unfair or unjust, they are more likely to end up back in court.  This is costly financially and emotionally as it hinders your ability to get on with your life. Consider mediation, collaborative divorce, or a two attorney model with some one who has a reputation for collaboration and effectively reaching settlements out of court. Interview carefully for the characteristics that support a peaceful, equitable, and efficient process.

Your Financial Team: The same dollars in a financial settlement can come from different pools of money and have different tax implications and/or cash value as a result.  I’m not an expert in finances, but I know enough to know what I don’t know. Consider reviewing financial settlement options with your accountant or tax adviser to understand the tax implications.  Consider a financial adviser or CDFA (certified divorce financial adviser) who specializes in helping clients understand the short and  long term implications of different financial settlements. These professionals can also be of assistance after your divorce to help you make short and long term financial plans once you know what your financial picture looks like. If the family home will be sold or refinanced, you might also consider real estate agents and mortgage lenders as part of your divorce team.

Your Professional Emotional Support Team: Given the intensity and complexity of feelings that can accompany a divorce, it is often advisable to get professional support. Many people use their attorney and the settlement process as the arena for working through their feelings about the divorce and their spouse.  This is costly and misplaced! If you need help managing your emotions so that you can talk with your spouse reasonably about settlement issues and/or learn ways to co-parent effectively, consider a divorce coach.  If you need help coping with the stress you could choose a divorce coach or a personal therapist.  A therapist or coach can also help you develop skills such as perspective taking and effective communication, which are critical to effectively negotiating the divorce process and co-parenting. If you had preexisting anxiety or depression now worsened by the stress of divorce, you would probably benefit from the help of a therapist.  A therapist knowledgeable about divorce could be especially relevant during this time.  In addition, a good therapist can help you grieve the losses associated with divorce, understand what worked and what didn’t work in your marriage, understand your own relationship dynamics, and make personal changes that would help you move forward in a positive and empowered way.  Lastly, you may consider (a) child or family therapist(s) for your child(ren) to support them emotionally as they navigate this transition.

Your Personal Support Team: These are the people in your community that you can turn to in times of need.  Family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, clergy or parishioners are all potential helpers.  Please don’t be afraid to reach out to them. Consider people that you trust and figure out how they might best help you.  What are their strengths and availability?  Look to your friends,  family, and community for these potentials supports:

  • The Reasonable One is fair-minded and balanced in their perspective.  They may help you pull back from the emotional-reactive brink and gain perspective.
  • The Good Listener doesn’t judge or give advice.  They listen, empathize, and let you vent.
  • The Call at 2am person drops things to be available when it’s important and is good in a crisis.  They can handle strong feelings.  They show up.  They are there for you.
  • The Recreator might not be good with messy feelings or be a great listener but they are fun to hang out with and have a good time.  They offer a break from the current stress in your life with some light, enjoyable activity.
  • The Do-er might not know what to say, but they reliably get things done and want to help.  They like to have a specific task so that they know what to do and can feel useful.  Give them a task.  Errands, meals, rides or play dates for the kids might be some ways they could help you. Maybe they have some good names of mediators, accountants, or therapists or if they don’t, would be happy to look into it for you.  If they say they want to help, find a tangible way they can.

Other forms of help that people in your community might provide could include trusted neighbors and coworkers as well.

Coworkers that can cover when you need to miss work, or help with your workload when you’re overwhelmed.

Childcare help might include friends, family, neighbors or after school programs or daycare providers.

Spiritual support also might come in the form of family, friends, or parishioners or clergy from your place of worship.  At difficult times, your faith may be tested.  Trusted others that share your spiritual perspectives might help you access your beliefs as a source of strength and hope.  The members of your faith community might also be available to offer practical support such as meals or childcare as well or spiritual support in the form of intercession prayers.

Financial help is often an area of support that is overlooked.  Money is often tight during divorce.  Perhaps a friend is willing to pick up the check when you go out for lunch.  A family member might be willing to take the kids shopping for new shoes or help with attorney fees or a loan. Money is often a difficult subject for people to talk about, which is why you might overlook who could be on your “financial support” team.  Let those who care about you know that your funds are limited or that you are stressed about money.  Be open to any generosity or resources that are offered and simply say “thank you.”

When you really start to consider the people in your community that can help in these specific and concrete ways, you realize how much support is available to you through this difficult time! You realize that you are not alone. In fact, you might have an entire team of people available to you when you need their assistance, information, guidance, support, hopes for you and belief in you. When you feel weak and beaten down, the strength of your team can empower you and lift you up. It can make the hard tasks and difficult days bearable.