Let me settle a few things right up front. This is not an essay about what a jerk my ex is, so that’s why I’m thankful I got divorced.  I’m also not going to suggest that divorce is the greatest thing ever; so much to be thankful for, what a blessing…every one should be getting one.  No, divorce is one of the hardest, most painful things a person can go through.  The point of my essay is this: if you are going through this painful and difficult life experience, then find a way to create something good from it. Find a way to see the silver lining in the cloud, make the lemonade from the lemons, since it won’t kill you, let it make you stronger, and all of those other seemingly trite sayings that are meaningful because they encourage resilience.

Here’s how I think that I’m better as a result of my divorce.

    • It helped me be a better parent.  In realizing I was going to have less time with my kids, I put more effort into actually being with my kids when they were with me. That old saying “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” applies.  I appreciated my time with them more.  I made more effort to hang out with them, play with them, and create fun traditions so we would have great memories. I couldn’t take for granted that they would always just be around, which, of course, they won’t be.  Now that my youngest will be leaving home in another year, I’m glad that the divorce helped me be more intentional in the time I spent with them. The divorce also helped me be a more fun parent.  Before the divorce, I was the more serious parent. The get things done, disciplinarian parent.  As a single parent, I decided I wanted to add fun and playful to my parenting repertoire. I still set limits and enforced rules, but I also wrestled, joked, and was silly.  I think my parenting was better because it was more balanced.

 

    • It helped me let go of the little things that don’t matter.  Nothing like being a single parent to put priorities in order.  Juggling work, kids, pets, and a home left little time for much else.  I was able to get crystal clear on what mattered most to me and spent my precious free time with those people and on those activities.  I cleaned less and realized nothing horrible happened.  My friends still enjoyed my company even if there were dust bunnies under the couch. I said “No” more and made less commitments out of obligation rather than true interest. This has served me well.  I also learned to pick my parenting battles with my kids’ Dad.  The kids are loved and their Dad and I made a point to come together about the big issues.  That was really important.  In hindsight, I can see that the little differences between us as parents just didn’t matter.  Letting go has been a great practice to learn.

 

    • I like to believe that I am now a better wife.  I’m remarried and am really really not interested in getting divorced again.  Divorce and remarriage have been great incentive to take a hard look at where I fall short in being a loving, supportive partner.  Knowing that I can’t take “until death do us part”  for granted keeps me working hard at marriage. And hard work it is.  I like to believe that consistently working harder is helping me become a better listener, more patient, more appreciative, and less critical. It’s a work in progress.  Divorce gave me a good dose of humility about being in relationship, and I’m grateful for that.

 

    • Over time, my divorce has helped me become a kinder, gentler version of my former self.  What began as forced politeness with my kids’ father became habit, then got easier and graduated to relaxed kindness.  For the sake of my own well-being and for my children, I got over the old hurts and injuries.  I forgave him and forgave myself. I respect the value he brings to our children’s lives.  We created and raised great kids together.  I have learned to look toward the goodness and not dwell in the negative.  That has been hard work, but incredibly freeing!  My divorce has made it easier for me to have a more positive perspective about myself, others, and life. I once heard some one say “bitterness is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die”.  So true!  Letting go of the anger and blame and instead offering kindness, peace, and forgiveness has lightened my load and has a far sweeter aftertaste.

 

    • I have become more flexible.  Helping the kids juggle two homes, following a parenting plan, organizing holidays, and negotiating changes to the schedule have required more flexibility from me.  Changes and adjustments come easier to me now than before.  I had no choice but to get used to it and go with the flow or fight it and become exhausted.  It’s hard to be rigid and controlling when you have children; even more so when they go back and forth between two homes.  Turns out rigid and controlling doesn’t work so well for most things, so more flexible has been a very good thing for me.  Probably an even better thing for the people around me!

 

  • My friendships deepened.  I received amazing support from my friends during my divorce.  From late night calls, childcare, referrals to good professionals and beyond, they were there for me.  We talked and got together more often and shared more deeply.  Stronger bonds were forged and their examples of how to be a good friend showed me new ways to carry forward as a caring, trusted friend to them.  As time has passed, I have been glad that I could show up for them in the ways they showed up for me.  Hardship brought us closer. How fortunate I am that life brought us opportunities to become closer and that we enjoy such deep and trusting connections with each other.

So, in the spirit of the season, I offer up these ways that I am grateful for my divorce. While the divorce certainly took its toll, it also offered some important learning and unexpected gifts.  I hope that, during the dark days of your divorce and in its aftermath, you find unexpected gifts and opportunities for growth that make you better as well. I wish you and your family peace this holiday season.