To:  Parent A

From: Parent B

Subject: Junior

_______________________________________________________________________

Junior said he is going to your sister’s house this weekend to play with cousins. You know it’s MY weekend with Junior!  Besides the fact that your sister is an awful parent and Junior leaves those visits behaving horribly, what gives you the right to schedule something for Junior during my parenting time?  It’s my weekend to make the plans. That’s what being divorced means. You don’t get to control everything anymore. Did it even occur to you that maybe I already made  plans for Junior?? Cancel plans with your sister. You had no right to make them in the first place. If someone wants to make plans with Junior during MY parenting time, they need to talk to ME and I get to decide and arrange it.  BUTT OUT!

Clearly Parent B is angry and frustrated.  Parent B has reason to believe Parent A discussed with and scheduled plans for their child during Parent B’s parenting time. However, justifiable feelings don’t justify this email.  Parent B’s email reads as if written based upon an immediate reaction, without calming down, without thinking, without editing, and without considering what kind of response from Parent A this email might elicit. Most importantly, it’s just plain ineffective. Instead of resolving a legitimate parenting issue, all this email will accomplish is a negative emotional connection with the other parent. 

Use this inventory to ask yourself the following questions before sending an email to your co-parent.  Go back and edit your content with the antidotes offered below before you hit <send>. Notice the end result when applied to the above email. The focus of any communication with your co-parent needs to be your children and parenting. The tone needs to be polite, respectful, and business-like.

Editing Inventory for Co-Parenting Emails:

  • Have you separated facts from your perceptions?  Stick to facts.
  • Have you identified a specific concern or request? State it directly and clearly based upon facts.
  • Have you made any interpretations, assumptions and/or editorializing about the facts? Own your assumptions and points of view as yours. Stick to facts as much as possible.  Admit what you don’t know for certain and seek out further information.
  • Have you made any judgments, criticisms or personal attacks (directly, indirectly, or veiled)? Eliminate those statements.
  • Have you blamed the other parent? Eliminate those statements. Talk about yourself .
  • What does the topic have to do with your child? Are you mentioning things unrelated to your child?  Stay focused on your child.
  • Are any statements demanding, hostile, rude or offensive?  Eliminate rude statements. Make requests, not demands. Be polite.
  • Did you write it when you were hurt, angry, insulted, or otherwise upset?  Wait and make an intentional effort to calm down before writing. Eliminate caps, italics, bold, exclamation points, and other writing mechanisms to indicate strong emotions.
  • Have you satisfied the Golden Rule?  Would you be comfortable receiving the email from the other parent if circumstances were reversed?

Here’s how the Editing Inventory was applied to this email:

Junior said he is going to your sister’s house this weekend to play with cousins. (that Junior said this is a fact; you don’t know if the plans are happening). You know it’s MY weekend with Junior. (caps for strong emotion)  Besides the fact that your sister is an awful parent (eliminate attack of sister, judgments about sister’s parenting are not facts, not child focused) and Junior leaves those visits behaving horribly, what gives you the right to schedule something for Junior during my parenting time?  (assumption the date is scheduled and is a fact, rude tone, not really a question) It’s my weekend to make the plans. That’s what being divorced means. (eliminate editorializing/ interpretation as irrelevant, nonspecific and unclear) You don’t get to control everything anymore. (old business about marriage/not child focused) Did it even occur to you that maybe I already had plans made for Junior?? (blaming, veiled assumption it didn’t occur to Parent A) Cancel plans with your sister. (demanding) You had no right to make them in the first place. (editorializing) If someone wants to make plans with Junior during MY parenting time, they need to talk to ME and I get to decide and arrange it.  BUTT OUT!  (demanding, indirect request, caps for strong emotion and rude phrases)

After applying antidotes from the Editing Inventory, an email about the same issue could look like this:

To:  Parent A

From: Parent B

Subject: Junior

_______________________________________________________________________

Junior mentioned going to your sister’s this weekend to play with cousins.(fact) I’m wondering if this is a confirmed plan or if Junior just heard that was an option? (checking out assumptions and finding out facts) I’m sure Junior would enjoy time with his cousins and I’m happy to support time with your extended family, if we don’t already have other plans. (polite, non-blaming, cooperative,  focused on what’s best for the child, and use of the Golden Rule)  In the future, I’d prefer that you talk to me first before discussing possible activities with Junior that are during my parenting time. (direct polite request) I would like to propose we check with each other first before making any plans during the other parent’s parenting time. If someone else wants to make plans with Junior, they can check directly with the parent who has Junior during that time. Also, that we don’t talk with Junior about possible plans until the on-duty parent has agreed to them. (Direct and specific requests)  That way, we avoid Junior’s disappointment if he can’t participate because the other parent already made plans.  (focused on the child) What do you think of this proposal? (asks for feedback, is cooperative) Let me know if anything has already been arranged and let’s discuss how we handle such situations moving forward.  Thanks. (polite and business-like, unemotional, focused on reaching agreement)

This version of the email also addresses Parent B’s frustration, but does so by clearly identifying the issue and seeking resolution in a polite, respectful way while remaining focused on what’s good for Junior.  It asserts Parent B’s parenting time boundaries while remaining cooperative.  It satisfies the Golden Rule. While the satisfaction of shooting off a reactive email is tempting, the animosity it creates has the potential to linger on long after that brief gratification has faded. And that animosity can hurt your child.  You would probably be willing to edit your child’s paper for an English class to help them out.  Edit your emails to your child’s other parent using the Editing Inventory and antidotes. Contributing to an effective, respectful co-parenting relationship will help your child out.