Relationships require effort.  Living with an intimate partner day in and day out can be especially challenging. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings are bound to happen. Sometimes feelings can run hot.  When we have intense feelings, it’s like we have entered the “Fun House”.  Remember amusement park fun houses? Those buildings where you walk inside and become disoriented and confused? The floor may be unstable and there are obstacles and illusions?  Remember the mirrors that distort your reflection?  Strong feelings are like Fun House mirrors; they distort our thoughts and perceptions.

When we’re in such an emotional state and in an argument with our partner, it’s not so “fun” or “amusing”. It’s hard to have a reasonable, calm, understanding, productive discussion under these emotional conditions.  You will not be at your best, are not likely to receive what you want, and the things both of you may say or do in an escalating conflict can damage the trust and goodwill in your relationship.  Why persist in an argument under such adverse conditions? Take a time out!  It’s not a punishment; but rather a mature choice to protect the relationship by pausing emotionally to get out of the Fun House. How can couples make use of time out as an effective conflict management tool? First, make a commitment. When you are both calm and not already in an argument, agree together to use the following procedure if arguments escalate. Agree that either one of you can initiate or “call” a “time out”. Agree together to not misuse time out in a manipulative or controlling way.  Rather, agree that the purpose is to protect the relationship by taking necessary time to calm one’s self down, preventing further damage to your partner or the relationship. Also make some agreements in advance regarding where you can go during a time out and for how long. Also agree that you will always let the other person know where you are going and how long you will be gone. Then agree to these steps:

  • If some one calls “time out”, both parties stop the argument immediately and without debate.
  • The person requesting time out does so in a non-aggressive way, stating that they need time to calm down in order to be able to listen and respond better.  (“I’m sorry, I need some time to calm down enough so that I can listen and have a more reasonable conversation with you” as opposed to “Forget it, I’m so done with you; I’m outta here!”)
  • The other person respects this (despite feeling frustrated) and STOPS (which means resisting the urge to continue arguing, debate the reasonableness or “fairness” of stopping the conversation, or making a final “jab” or provoking statement).
  • Accept that this is very HARD! Remind yourself that you will have a chance to discuss this again soon.  Remind yourself that the conversation will likely go better if you stop now. Consider that your partner had the good sense to end the conversation before it got uglier.
  • The person requesting time out MUST initiate rescheduling the discussion for another time within 1-48 hours from the time you call the time out.  You cannot drop the ball on this!  You are responsible for unilaterally ending an important conversation.  You owe it to your partner to be the one to restart the conversation.  Time out is not a means to escape or avoid a conflict.  That would be a manipulation of its use.  It’s meant to be a tool to improve how you have the conversation.
  • During time out spend your time calming down.  (See my August 2013 blog post on How to Cool Down when You’re Hot.) Once you feel less “hot”, you will be able to think more clearly.  Think about what YOU can do differently when it’s time to talk again.  What apologies might you make about how you handled the conflict?  How can you express your views in a less critical way? How can you be a better listener? What did your partner say that might be reasonable? Taking these steps will help you make a better contribution to the relationship when you resume the discussion.
  • Resume the discussion with whatever apologies you want to make for your behavior that escalated the prior discussion.  Summarize what you understand about your partner’s point of view and feelings.  Offering apologies and understanding contributes to relationship repair and healing. Once you each have offered some understanding to the other and you both feel heard, then you can consider problem solving or negotiating a solution that meets both of your needs and concerns.

Make sure to avoid these behavior to make time out an effective tool rather than a weapon:

  • Refusing to stop the argument
  • Preventing your partner from leaving after time out is called
  • Getting aggressive verbally or physically (touching in anger, slamming doors, name calling or threatening)
  • Leaving as a manipulative tactic to abandon, distress, or control your partner

Taking a time out can be a very effective communication tool in your relationship when emotions run high.  It may feel uncomfortable to separate for awhile, but then again, a nasty fight isn’t particularly comfortable…and it’s damaging. Try taking a break to calm down the next time emotions escalate between you and your partner.  Returning to the discussion later, when you both are calm, gives the conversation a greater chance of being a source of understanding, healing, and consideration of options or solutions.  You each may need some time to be ready to “come together” instead of acting on hurt, angry feelings that lead you to tearing each other apart. Call a time-out and stop the madness.  Your relationship will thank you.