Would you be surprised to learn that step #1 is NOT get an attorney?  That’s often the first step most people think about.  Once the decision to divorce has been made, the next step is often finding an attorney.  While that may be a step along the way in the divorce process, I am going to suggest a different process designed to maximize your ability to adjust well, lay the foundation for a positive future, and minimize the conflict and emotional wreckage (and possibly the cost)!

Step 1.  Get Clear About Your Values

  • Imagine that someday you will be past the intensity of your painful feelings and marital injuries.  Imagine your future self content and fulfilled living a good life.  Most of us do not wish for a future in which we are stuck in the past; angry, bitter, still engaged in power struggles with a former spouse about issues from a former marriage.  We don’t wish for a future in which we are estranged from or distant with our children who now, as adults, avoid occasions with us so that they can avoid the loyalty conflicts, guilt, and negativity perpetuated by old divorce injuries and instead gravitate toward people and situations in their lives that are relaxed and enjoyable.  From this vantage point, consider the positive future you DO want to have.
  • Who do you want to be?  What relationships do you want to have with your adult children?  How do you hope to be enjoying your life?  What is most important to you? This exercise might help you clarify your most important values and priorities.  Setting those values and priorities and creating a positive future vision gives you a direction to point toward as you take steps forward in the divorce process.  Your core values and the resulting “higher order/best self” goals you set for yourself become your “home base”; the place you consult and return to again and again as you make choices about how you respond and proceed in your divorce.  These values and goals serve to anchor you as you navigate the stressful adjustment ahead. It is Step 1 because all other decisions, choices and steps derive from these core values.

Step 2.  Create Effective Strategies for Managing Your Feelings

  • Divorce is stressful.  It is a loss.  You will likely experience a variety of sometimes intense uncomfortable feelings.  You will need ways to soothe yourself, calm down, and manage stress.
  • Consider soothing strategies such as breathing, meditation, music, exercise, rest, journal writing, talking to others, or some other peaceful or enjoyable activity.
  • Practice calming down when feelings are intense so you can think before you react with your former spouse or your children.
  • Increase the time you spend taking good care of yourself.  Healthy routines including meals and sleep are essential.

Step 3.  Get Support

  • You will be better able to manage the stress of divorce if you aren’t going it alone. Ask for and allow yourself to receive help!  Rely on helpful friends and family.  Allow them to listen and offer emotional and practical support.
  • Consider a professional for further emotional support as well as help with decision making, coping skills, grief counseling, and communication and conflict resolution skills.

Step 4.  Consider Your Children

  • If you have children, they are likely your main concern in the wake of divorce, and for good reason.  So, why isn’t considering the kids the first step??  Because you will be in a better position to consider the best interest of your children if you have taken some time to consult your values, your higher purpose and goals, and have practiced some strategies for calming yourself down and getting support.  Hopefully, after some success with Steps 1 – 3 you will be able to bring some reasoned perspective to considering your children.  Your children will benefit from you thinking about their needs when you are less reactive.
  • Educate yourself about the effects of divorce on children, the effects of parental conflict on children’s adjustment, how to talk to your children about the divorce, the needs of children at different ages and developmental stages.  It’s at least as important now to consider reading a book about these issues as it was to consult the experts about your pregnancy or your child’s infant and toddler years.
  • Give yourself time to be thoughtful and have a plan that helps your children have some sense of security during this adjustment.

Step 5. Consider Your Divorce Options and Assemble Your Team

  • Do you know that there are options other than retaining an attorney and bracing yourself for a costly, adversarial litigation process?  Divorce is a big decision.  The way you choose to go through the process will have a variety of risks and benefits, financially and emotionally.  Do yourself a favor and educate yourself about your options.  You may consider a “kitchen table” divorce that you and your former spouse negotiate mainly between yourselves, mediation, collaborative divorce, or a two-attorney divorce.  Invest some well-spent time to learn about these various options.  They are listed here, in general, from lowest conflict and financial cost to highest.  Your particular circumstances and your ability to negotiate with your former spouse may inform your choice as to which model is best for you.  Investigate your options!
  • Once you understand the pros and cons of your options, go back to Step 4 and make sure that you have factored the effects upon your children into your pros and cons.

Notice that considering an attorney is the last step I mention, not the first!  The highest priorities are clarifying how you want to move through this, what matters most to you, and practicing skills to cope.  Going through those steps first puts you on a stronger foundation and with a clearer vision for how to move forward.

 

For further reading and resources on divorce options and adjustment, please go to www.gabardi.com under “Divorce Services”