The vacation season is upon us!  I love summer time with my kids; sunny, longer days, a slower pace, no homework, and hopefully a fun, relaxing vacation.  Whether it’s a weekend of camping, a visit with relatives, or a big trip to the Disney theme parks or another country, vacations can be a lot of fun and a lot of planning.

I confess that I am a planner and a list-maker.  I use travel and packing checklists

to be sure I haven’t forgotten anything essential and to help my travels go smoothly.  So, it’s no surprise that I would devise a list of sorts for things to remember to do (or not do)as a divorced parent traveling with your children.  Whether you are a list-maker like myself or a more spontaneous type, I want to recommend the following list of Dos and Don’ts be part of every divorced parent’s vacation planning process. Along with your camera, flight confirmation, and toothbrush, the following are also things to remember to help your vacation go smoothly….

For the Parent traveling with the children….Before you Go

Do

  • Request your vacation dates in coordination with your co-parent as early as possible (usually mid-Spring, which is long before school is out for the summer)
  • If you will be needing passports for your children, start this process very early. You will likely need written permission from the other parent as part of the documentation to complete the passport application (please see the passport guidelines for specific information).  As part of this process, provide the other parent as much information as you can and whatever specifics they may request to help them feel comfortable with your request.  Specifics regarding safety, accessibility to communication, and accommodations are some examples of specifics to consider.
  • As soon as you have firm dates and plans for your travels, provide that information to the other parent.
  • As soon as you have all of the other relevant travel information and preferable at least one week before your trip, provide itinerary information (flights, hotel, cities, dates, etc.) to the other parent.
  • Obtain all essential comfort items (blankies, stuffed animals, etc.), clothing, electronics, etc. for the trip from the other household for packing purposes.
  • If you are going away for more than a long weekend, check with your children and with the other parent about their needs or desires to be in touch with each other during the trip.  Younger children especially may feel reassured to have contact with their other parent on longer trips.  But, even older children may want to share about the fun they are having with their other parent.
  • Coordinate with the other parent when you and the children will be available for contact and/or arrange for a time for contact. This is your vacation, so it is reasonable to have times when you are busy having fun with the kids that you don’t want interrupted (by contact with their other parent, other relatives, or their friends). But, it is also reasonable to allow children, and the other parent, time to be in touch with people important to them on occasion.
  • Inform the other parent in advance if you know that you will not be available for contact for part or all of the  trip.  Examples of this might include being out of cell phone range when camping or backpacking, when on a cruise ship or airplane, or when out of the country.
  • If this is the case, inform the other parent of dates/times when you will be available for contact (in cell phone range, in a port town, and/or can be accessible via email/skype/ or other means).

While on your trip

  • Support your children’s natural desire to share their travel experience with the other parent.  Give them a small amount of money to pick out a souvenir for the other parent, or help them shop with their own money for a gift.  Money too tight?  No excuse!–buy a post card or take photos of the children doing something fun and make a copy for the other parent, or send it electronically.

Don’t

  • Delay getting important information regarding your plans to the other parent
  • Discourage your children from having contact with their other parent. Many children will have a desire to share their excitement and enjoyment with their other parent; please don’t interfere with this!

For the Parent Not Travelling with the Children

Do

  • Support your children’s vacation with their other parent! — verbally and with your facial expressions and body language.  Enthusiastically support the fun they will have; please do not make this a time of jealousy and competition with the other parent.
  • Thank the other parent for providing timely itinerary and information.
  • Be respectful of your children’s time with their other parent.  Limit your contact with them.  It is the other parent’s special time with the children so limit your interference with that time.  Contact with your children while they are on a vacation with their other parent ought to be about your children’s needs for contact with you, not your needs.

Don’t

  • Undermine the other parent’s and your children’s vacation by encouraging the children’s complaints (about the weather, seeing relatives, boring museums, etc.).  If your children complain to you, help them problem solve, remind them that vacations involve compromises of everyone’s needs, and help them focus on what fun they can have on the trip.
  • Undermine the vacation by telling the children all they will be missing back home while they are away with their other parent.
  • Distract the children from their trip and their time with the other parent by constantly contacting them (calls, texts, emails) and directing the focus away from their vacation and other parent and onto you.  Your children deserve to enjoy their vacation.  They do not need pressures to take care of your needs or be worried about your hurt feelings if they don’t respond to your contacts while they are on vacation.  Don’t put them in the middle of a loyalty conflict by having to “choose” who to pay attention to and risk having a parent angry or disappointed in them.

 

Remember the Golden Rule!

How will you want your next vacation to go with your children?  How will you want the other parent to respond?  You will likely want support for the trip, cooperation, flexibility, and respect of the boundaries of your special time with the children. Treat the other parent how you will want to be treated when you are in their shoes!  And most importantly, remember that you are first and foremost supporting your children–  their right to have enjoyable times and make fond memories with each of their parents, their right to exciting opportunities, and their right to expand their horizons and see new places and experience new things.

Bon Voyage!