You’re headed to couples counseling. Chances are one of you decided the relationship needed help and the other of you is going reluctantly, or perhaps kicking and screaming. Often, upon arrival at my office, many will admit that they could have used the help long ago. Some are hopeful counseling will help. Others are ambivalent; present out of obligation, but not very motivated to work on the relationship or themselves. Many question whether counseling can really help them. It’s a fair question. I’m a straight shooter. I don’t sugar coat. Can couples counseling help? Short answer: You bet! Read on for the long, realistic details behind the short answer. If you want couples counseling to really work for you, you need a good therapist and you will need to fully participate.

Find a good therapist, with lots of experience seeing couples. If you have a specific issue (sexual, infidelity, LGBT, addictions etc.) find a therapist with specific expertise in that topic. Make sure there’s a good fit between both of you and the therapist. A good connection with your therapist and belief the therapist can help you predicts a more successful counseling experience. If you don’t have a connection or feel well matched with the therapist, move on and try someone else; don’t give up after your first attempt.

In addition to a good fit with your therapist and your therapist’s skill and experience, what you bring to the counseling experience will have an impact on the outcome as well. If you’ve never been to counseling, it can seem like a mystery and you might wonder what’s going to happen or what to expect. If you’ve been to counseling for yourself, you may have some expectations that couples counseling will be similar. People often arrive in my office anxious to share their side of the relationship story, hoping that I will agree about what their partner needs to do differently. While rationally, most of us realize that our partner is not the whole problem, but emotionally, we all tend to think our own point of view is right, our story is accurate, and we just want some one else to hear it and tell our partner what they need to change because they just don’t get it.

Unfortunately, an “understand me and fix them” expectation often sets couples up for some disappointment early on in couples counseling. After a few sessions spent airing complaints about each other without much time left to focus on understanding or resolution, couples can leave feeling worse than when they arrived, disappointed they aren’t getting anywhere, and discouraged about the possibility their relationship can improve. It’s no wonder that some couples drop out after just a few sessions.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You could have a better and more successful experience in couples therapy with good information, realistic expectations, and some mental and emotional preparation.

What to Expect

Your initial visit is likely to involve a lot of information and history gathering; about yourselves, your families, and mainly your relationship. Be prepared to discuss your current challenges and goals.

Your therapist is not an advocate for either one of you, which is different from individual counseling. Your therapist will be an advocate for your relationship goals and help each of you to be the best partner that you can be. While an individual therapist will align with you as an individual, a couples therapist will not always align with you. You will sometimes feel like the therapist is aligning with your partner, taking their side, or seeing their point of view. This may not feel very good. Remember, they are not your personal therapist, they are a relationship therapist. Your therapist is attempting to support and understand each of you in the service of improving your relationship. Sometimes your personal needs will be in conflict with what your relationships needs. You are likely to feel some of that tension in couples counseling. Your uncomfortable feelings may be a sign that the counseling is working.

A good couples therapist will help each of you to increase your awareness and understanding of yourself and your partner. This in turn will help you be more aware of relationship dynamics and interaction patterns. This awareness can increase your effectiveness at stopping old patterns and practicing new habits.  Expect that you will be invited to look at and work on yourself, not just focus on frustrations with your partner. It is hard to take an honest look at ourselves, take responsibility for our choices and behavior, and admit our shortcomings. Be prepared to look at your own beliefs, behaviors, and defenses. This is not for the faint of heart! The work may be hard, but you can do it! You just have to believe that it’s worth it! I happen to think it is.

[Tweet “Our closest relationships give us opportunities (daily) to become better versions of ourselves.”]

Of course they give us great (daily) opportunities to be our most childish, worst versions of ourselves as well. Which is why couples counseling can be so helpful. That is, if you’re open to the amazing personal development, personal and interpersonal healing, and relationship enhancement that could come from the challenge.

If you want counseling to be successful, you also must expect to make a commitment to the process. It took your relationship months or years to get to an unsatisfactory place. It’s unrealistic to expect that four, five, or six visits can change months or years of habits. I’m not saying it will take years to change what took years to create, but a handful of visits is not likely to be enough time to effect durable change. Give yourself and your relationship time for the process to work.

Great Ways to Prepare: Mindset for Success

Realize that you will be challenged. Expect some uncomfortable feelings and challenges to your beliefs and thoughts.

You will be asked to learn new skills that may be awkward, uncomfortable, or difficult.

Enter counseling not just to blame and point fingers at your partner but also to examine your own contribution to your problems.  While uncomfortable to accept this responsibility, it also empowers you to be in control of making a positive difference in your relationship.

As mentioned earlier, be ready to make a commitment of your resources to this process (time, money, energy). Great success at anything usually requires these things. Let’s be honest, if you’ve ever accomplished anything of great significance, didn’t it required your time, attention, and consistent best effort? Your relationship is no different.

Which brings me to a related notion; you must be willing to prioritize working on your relationship for real success. Your therapist is not a miracle worker. Your therapist will see you, maybe, one hour per week. If you do nothing during the other 167 hours to work on yourself and your relationship, it’s going to be pretty slow going! This would be a set up for high frustration a few weeks into the process and potential to drop out saying it just wasn’t working. Whether your therapist gives you specific, assigned homework or not, expect that you will need to practice new ways of thinking and acting between sessions. Be prepared to make some tough choices about what and who gets your time, attention, and best efforts.

Such commitment requires motivation. Motivation tends to be the emotional firepower that drives our consistent action. To be honest, at the point that you’re entering couples counseling, you may be so frustrated and hurt by your partner that your undying love for him/her is not providing much motivation. If warm feelings for your partner are not motivating you, find something you can feel motivated about that will drive you to create change. Common motivators include the children, commitment to your history together, wanting a better future, eliminating pain or discomfort, maintaining your extended family, home, or lifestyle, or realizing that investing in your marriage is cheaper than a divorce. Find something that you feel strongly about that will help you push through resistance to do the work needed to create success.

Ugh, this sounds hard!  But wait, there’s good news!

Couples counseling, done right, is hard work! Relationships require care and feeding. But the hard work has potential to yield amazing benefits! A loving, supportive relationship feels great and is good for you. Making your relationship great can often be a pathway to growing in wonderful ways as a person. The very qualities that can help you have a successful experience in couples counseling also contribute to long-term relationship success and broader life satisfaction. What mindset and character traits will help you grow personally and contribute to a successful couples counseling experience?

  • Humility
  • Persistence
  • Compassion
  • Open minded
  • Non-defensive
  • Respect
  • Emotion Regulation

If you are about to embark on the adventure of couples counseling, I wish you the best! If you want to optimize your success with this important investment, do your homework and choose your therapist carefully. Be sure both of you are comfortable with your choice. Arrive prepared and with realistic expectations. Bring your best self, motivation, and a genuine commitment. Remain open to the possibility of self and other discovery and healing.

If you’re interested in news and information on relationships and other topics on resilience and well being, sign up for my newsletter. In my next issue, I will list some of my favorite books for couples and when you sign up you will also receive my Quick Guide to Managing Emotions. Managing emotions is an important life skill, never more so than in our most intimate relationships!

You can also follow me on twitter @lisagabardiphd and on Facebook.