Guest Author: Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW
Divorce is a life altering experience with many challenges. But it can also make you a better parent. It’s easy to see how some single parents wallow in self-pity, leaving them vulnerable to becoming a victim. Instead, seeing divorce as a catalyst for a fresh start in life will empower you and your children. It’s important to realize that kids are better off with two happy parents living separately than living in a high conflict home where they may feel they have to walk on eggshells.
During my first marriage, I was so preoccupied with managing the stress in my relationship with my ex-spouse that I felt drained and distracted. Truth be told, it took me years to realize that being in a high conflict marriage was damaging to my children and had actually weakened my parenting skills. When a family member pointed this out to me, I refused to accept her feedback but later realized that I was using denial to get though the rough patches in my marriage. In hindsight, I was being defensive due to fear of being alone (and raising my kids alone).
But after I’d adjusted to being a single mom, I was able to regain my enthusiasm for parenting and connect with appreciating the little things, like pizza night with my two kids. In essence, the reasons I choose to become a parent became clear to me and filled me with pleasure. Even the simple activities of reading with my kids at night and attending school functions once again brought me great pleasure. An added bonus was that I was successful at navigating these things without a partner.
The good news is that it’s possible to go through a challenging divorce and to become a competent, good enough single parent. Many parents do this because they had good models to follow. However, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally. Developing and maintaining a successful relationship with your children is a skill that can be learned with patience and persistence regardless of your own background.
8 Tips to Successful Single Parenting in the 21st century:
1. Spend time with your children. Nothing builds your children’s self-esteem better than spending face-to face time hanging out, playing games, listening to music, going for walks, etc. Be sure that any screen time you share with your kids is used as a time to connect and exchange information and not a distraction. Play with your kids. When your children are young, get down on the floor and interact with them.
2. Share at least four meals a week. Eating meals together can encourage good communication and sharing of day to day events and experiences. Turn off electronic devices to ensure eye contact and good listening skills during meals. This may be a challenge for a busy single parent. But you might enjoy a leisurely breakfast or lunch on weekends – even it means ordering pizza.
3. Talk, talk, talk (and listen). Often the best chats I’ve had with my kids have been on the way somewhere in my car. Other opportunities might be while you are watching a TV show or going for a walk together. Be sure to model good listening skills.
4. Practice tolerance. Children aren’t carbon copies of their parents and need to be accepted and nurtured for their unique talents, interests, and personality traits. If your kids remind you of your ex, show gratitude that they may have inherited good qualities from both of you. They may act out their individuality in clothing choices, hair styles, choice of friends, or interest in school or activities. Let your children know that while you might not always like their choices, you love and accept their decisions – as long as they are safe and respectful of others.
5. Model forgiveness. Adopting a forgiveness mindset can help both you and your children to get out of the chronically, angry mode and become healthier. Teach your kids to let go of toxic anger and to take responsibility for their actions. After all, forgiveness is as much for them as the transgressor. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget – the person simply has less power over you. Your children will be grateful to be given the gift of a forgiving mindset.
6. Respect their boundaries. Give your children plenty of affection yet the space they need to grow and develop. You can remain connected yet allow your children the gift of becoming independent people with their own thoughts, emotions, and desires.
7. Model love and affection yet set limits. Encourage your children to be independent but still place limits and controls on their actions. Authoritative parents are loving and affectionate with their children. They show pleasure in and support their children’s prosocial behavior. Extensive give-and-take is encouraged but the parent makes the final decisions.
8. Use your time wisely so you’ll have time for your kids and yourself. The quality of time you spend with your kids will have more meaning than the quantity. Be sure to select meaningful activities such as bike riding, long walks, or a family cooking night (where kids take turns preparing meals). Also make time to do things you enjoy. For instance, a date night with a partner (if you have one) or a night to do an activity you love once a week can energize you. Modeling good self-care with benefit your kids in the long-run.
Now that I’ve been a parent for over three decades, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my quest to be a competent parent hasn’t lessened over the years – even after I remarried. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t grow up with a healthy template of parenting to follow, so I’m on an endless search. But I’ve made good progress with incorporating models that have helped me to be a more successful parent. In retrospect, I view my years as a single parent fondly because I was able to form a close bond with my children which helped them be more resilient people.
In closing, being grateful for what you have in your life is such a powerful way to help you love and appreciate everything around you. Even on your worst days remind yourself that there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for as a parent. Each night before you go to sleep, think of three things that you are grateful for. Drift off to sleep with that spirit of gratitude in your heart and remember being successful as a parent is about trusting yourself and being willing to get back to the drawing board and starting fresh every day. Remember to be gentle with yourself and others on your journey.
Guest Author Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW is a licensed therapist, non-fiction author, and college instructor who specializes in divorce, children, and relationships. Terry and her daughter Tracy’s book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome The Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-lasting Relationship. Daughters of Divorce will be published in January 2016 by Sourcebooks and can be pre-ordered here: http://movingpastdivorce.com. She is a sought after speaker who frequently offers her commentary on marriage, divorce, and her research on daughters of divorce.
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