During my divorce, my heart would start pounding and my thoughts would race the minute I noticed an email from my attorney or my spouse in my inbox. Fear and dread were my immediate reactions. I had a similar response to texts and voicemail messages.  This is one example of the brain on divorce; easily triggered, distraught and overwhelmed. Functioning while stressed, sad, and sleep deprived. Reacting as if under attack.

Divorce is one of the most significant losses and stressful life events you will experience. Yet unlike other losses, there is no bereavement leave from work, no sympathy cards, and no rituals that bring your friends and family around you to acknowledge the loss. Life goes on without skipping a beat. You are expected to go on. Not only are you expected to go on, but you are also expected to gather all financial paperwork, other information, make time in your schedule for additional meetings, phone calls, emails, help your kids cope, and be prepared to make major parenting and financial decisions that have long term consequences. No wonder you’re exhausted and overwhelmed!

Divorce is such a stressful process, it can bring someone who generally copes well to their knees and turn a well adjusted, reasonable person into a raving maniac. When you understand what’s going on in your body and mind under stress it can help you have compassion for yourself and also pick effective coping strategies. Your brain is responding to the divorce as a threat. The part of your brain that manages emotion and the fight-flight-freeze response (the limbic system or mid-brain) kicks into gear. This part of your brain is essential to keeping you alive. It is vigilant for threats and quick to react. This part of your brain is not helpful for planning, making decisions, and considering consequences of your actions. The part of the brain that takes control when you are upset, angry, or scared (during much of your divorce!) is responsible for your racing heart, tight chest, and flushed face. It contributes to your confusion and indecision. When your brain is preparing for a fight or to run for your life, it has shut down access to your pre-frontal cortex (the part of the neocortex behind the center of your forehead). Unfortunately, it is the pre-frontal cortex that needs to be in charge when negotiating your divorce settlement, making financial decisions, working with your co-parent, parenting, and planning for your “new normal” and future. This part of your brain is responsible for imagination, empathy, self awareness, evaluation, and planning. Suzanne Segerstrom, Ph.D.  of the University of Kentucky (author of Breaking Murphy’s Law) describes this part of the brain as controlling the “Pause and Plan” response.

Effective coping when stressed by your divorce involves shifting from the “Fight or Flight” emotional limbic system that is responding to threat to the “Pause and Plan” pre-frontal cortex that executes a plan after evaluating information and considering consequences. When you are able to do this, you increase self control as well as your ability to manage emotions, evaluate information, make decisions, and make plans. So how can you access “Pause and Plan” when your brain is locked down in threat mode? The following options help strengthen the pre-frontal cortex and promote resilience:

  •  Make sure you have the energy needed for your brain to optimally function. A healthy diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep are essential to your body having the energy it needs.
  • Pause. Your emotional mid-brain is lightning fast. Your body and mind need time to slow down the reaction and realize your current situation, while stressful, is not life or death. Breathing slowly is a great way to use your body to send signals to your brain that you are not in mortal danger. It also gives you time to begin to think, engaging your pre-frontal cortex.
  • Heighten your awareness. Observing yourself and your situation is a function of the pre-frontal cortex. When you pause to observe what’s going on, you activate that part of your brain. This opens up options for you to consider and the opportunity to be less reactive.
  • Seek support from others. Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. (author of The Upside of Stress) suggests that there is “good news” in how our body responds to stress. Not only does our body release adrenaline to help us jump into fight-flight action, but it also releases oxytocin (sometimes affectionately dubbed the bonding, love, or cuddle hormone). This hormone encourages us to seek out support and physical contact from others. Not only that, but this hormone also seems to help heal and regenerate heart cells! Can it be that our body and mind, in it’s infinite wisdom and complexity, is actually built to help us manage stress and heal a “broken heart”? Dr. McGonigal calls this part of our stress response a “built in mechanism for stress resilience”. I think this is fascinating and very important information to utilize! Seeking out your supportive relationships as well as receiving and giving hugs can help you calm down, pause, feel protected from attack, and as a result, be able to access your thinking brain.
  • Change your mindset. Dr. McGonigal (The Upside of Stress) also suggests that stress itself is not the main problem that creates the negative impact on our health and well-being, but rather it is how we perceive the stress that is the problem. Instead of interpreting the stress in your life, the divorce, and your reactions to it as harmful to you; if you interpret this tough time in your life as a difficult challenge and that you have the courage and strength to rise to the challenge and emerge stronger and better; you will be less negatively impacted by the stress. Of course divorce is painful. The good news is that your mindset about it has a great impact on how damaging this stressful event will be to your mind and body.
  • Practice self compassion. Compassion and empathy are functions of the pre-frontal cortex. Exercising this part of your brain not only can help you feel better about yourself, it can also contribute to self control and motivation towards long term goals. Pretty important functions to be at work during a divorce! Next time you feel like getting down on yourself, try a little tenderness instead. Beef up the parts of the brain you want working for you during this difficult time.
  • Be open to new information and experiences. By definition, many aspects of your life change in response to divorce. You probably will have to take on some new roles, behaviors, and skills. Maybe you will even want to try some new things! New experiences, even those we don’t want, create opportunities for growth. Considering new perspectives, trying new things, being open to new information literally helps your brain grow! Brain development, especially in the pre-frontal cortex can contribute to you making better decisions, being more motivated, exerting more self control, being more compassionate. Wow! Sounds good and is good for you! These not only are keys to well-being and resilience, but a new, improved you and a life well lived.

If you are struggling with the stress of divorce, consider this knowledge about the brain and what you can do to optimize your resilience and essential brain functions during this difficult time. You might find the outcomes of your efforts are the silver lining in the divorce cloud.